


it comes and goes (in waves)

by antpelts



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Rich Goranski, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Eating Disorders, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Gay Michael Mell, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Michael Mell Has ADHD, Post-Canon, Post-Squip Jeremy Heere, Post-Squip Rich Goranski, Rich Goranski Has ADHD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Male Character, Trans Michael Mell, Trans Rich Goranski
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23852479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: When he was 14 Rich decided soulmates were stupid. Sure, they existed, there was proof of that but.. they were stupid. If they were good then his mom would still be there. If they were good then his dad wouldn’t have acted so cruel towards her. What was the point of soulmates if they could still cause each other such pain. Or if one could cause the other so much pain.Rich didn’t want a soulmate. He would claim it was just because they were dumb but deep down he knew it was out of fear. The thought of being treated like his mom and having to grin and bear it because it was meant to be terrified him - or worse, he was terrified of becoming like his dad. The Goranski’s just weren’t made to have soulmates, he was sure of it. If they were then they wouldn’t have such a deep family history of similar stories.// expensive headphones soulmate au (you see color when you meet your soulmate)
Relationships: Jeremy Heere/Brooke Lohst, Rich Goranski/Michael Mell
Comments: 69
Kudos: 131





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ...and they were soulmates  
> needed to take a mini break from my boyf riends roadtrip au (check it out!) and ill be back to daily updates soon. i wanted to put something up, though so heres something ive been working on for a little bit :~)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch warnings; the voice in richs head is harsh on him, subtly implied suicidal thoughts towards the end

When he was 14 Rich decided soulmates were stupid. Sure, they existed, there was proof of that but.. they were stupid. If they were good then his mom would still be there. If they were good then his dad wouldn’t have acted so cruel towards her. What was the point of soulmates if they could still cause each other such pain. _Or if one could cause the other so much pain._

Rich didn’t _want_ a soulmate. He would claim it was just because they were dumb but deep down he knew it was out of fear. The thought of being treated like his mom and having to grin and bear it because it was _meant to be_ terrified him - or worse, he was terrified of becoming like his dad. The Goranski’s just weren’t made to have soulmates, he was sure of it. If they were, then they wouldn’t have such a deep family history of similar stories.

That means he should have been relieved when the squip prevented him from indulging in his soulmate.

Right?

* * *

 _By the time he finished scrawling_ ‘riends’ _on Michael’s backpack he’d returned from the bathroom. The class was loud, everyone split into groups, chatting. The first week back was never too exciting and biology wasn’t looking to be any different. Everyone had finished their worksheets nearly ten minutes ago with another ten to go. Chloe and Brooke were chatting, desks pushed together with Rich’s empty one. As soon as Michael left for the bathroom he took his chance. He’d already gotten Jeremy’s bag in the hall that morning._

 _“Artistic.” Michael looked down where he was crouched, he chewed on a piece of gum obnoxiously. Rich scrunched his face in annoyance. Not only was the fucking_ chomping _driving him crazy.. Michael just didn’t seem to care._

_There wasn’t much room to respond because as Rich was standing up, readying a rebuttal, his vision bloomed with color._

_Had he never spoken with Michael before?_

‘No. You target Jeremy. Mell is just collateral.’

_Michael’s eyes widened slightly in realization, he must be seeing color too, his mouth snapped shut. They stood there, just staring at each other. They were soulmates._

‘It doesn’t matter. You don’t even want one. Stand straight, walk away.’

 _His hands balled into fists and he struggled to hold back a flinch as the shock ran down his spine. He left his marker on Michael’s desk, spinning around to return to his desk, hiding behind Chloe and Brooke’s loud conversation. He didn’t want a soulmate, didn’t need one. He didn’t even know Michael - he was just some loser who hung out with Heere. That wasn’t who he was anymore. He was_ cool.

‘There’s plenty of desperate girls who either don’t have a soulmate or are willing to pretend if you are.’

_Right. He didn’t need a soulmate, he could just bounce between girls, leaving when he stuck around too long. Not Michael Mell. He didn’t need Michael Mell. He wasn’t gay._

‘Correct.’

_The absence of a shock was reward enough and Rich settled down enough to join the conversation in front of him._

* * *

After the play Rich was stuck in the hospital for nearly four months. December. January. February. March. Michael had spoken to him a total of _once_ while he was visiting Jeremy. After Jeremy was discharged he didn’t show up again. He couldn’t help but remember the words (I’m sure some special someone will be lucky to have you, Rich - there was almost something bitter in his voice). Once he got out he didn’t even go back to school, there was less than three months left now and he was still between ongoing treatments. April. May. Brooke would bring him his homework twice a week. Sometimes Jake would come with her. They were always quiet. His phone was quiet. No one knew how to approach him because no one _knew_ him anymore.

No one _wanted_ to know the real Rich Goranski, that’s how they got into the whole mess in the first place.

The summer was even quieter. 

May. June. July. August.

Rich didn’t remember much of it. Weeks would pass where he didn’t so much as look outside. The voice played in his head, a vicious loop. The shocks stopped but his brain was too accustomed now. The normal voice in his head was replaced with the squip’s - it was right. He’d never be able to fully get rid of it. He’d barely gone beyond his front yard since March, when he’d gotten home.

The colors faded, only slightly. The green grass outside was muted, the sky looked overcast even with the absence of clouds. Everything faded with the absence of _Michael._ He shook his head, he’d burnt that bridge. It wasn’t even a bridge he’d ever wanted to cross. There were plenty of people who never saw color, he could deal with dull tones.

* * *

“Rich?” Jeremy has passed the table he was sitting at and skidded to a halt, backing up a few steps. The library was mostly empty, most kids were either in a lunch period or class. 

The voice caught him off guard and he jerked his head up, dragging his eyes away from his phone. He couldn’t help the flatness in his voice, “Heere.”

“What.. are you, uh, doing in h-here?” Jeremy scrunched up his face a bit, shifting on his feet awkwardly. He glanced at the chair, seemingly thinking about sitting, it looked like he decided against it, shoving his hands into his pockets.

_‘Of course he wouldn’t sit next to you. You ruined his life.’_

“Sitting?” Too harsh. He winced, clenching hands into fists. After he got out of the hospital and fell back into that.. darker place.. he’d gone back to masking his lisp, back to keeping guarded.

“I mean, uh.. don’t you have class?”

“Lunch.”

There was no food on the table in front of him, just his phone and an unopened math book.

“Oh.”

A silence fell over then and Rich finally turned his gaze away, moving to lock his phone and flip it over. Not that he had anything worth hiding. The last text he’d gotten had been from Brooke nearly a week prior.

Jeremy raised a shaky hand to brush his hair away from his face before he seemed to get the courage to speak, “no one’s seen you. We, uh, have all been checking during our lunch periods but I guess.. you’re, uh, here.”

“Someone could have.. asked.” Rich couldn’t help the bitterness, keeping his eyes trained down.

“I’m.. I’m sorry. You’re right.” Jeremy shifted again and finally made up his mind, shuffling over to the chair to Rich’s left. He shrugged off his backpack and hesitantly sat down. “I guess.. we.. Sorry. Gonna just, uh, speak for myself. I didn’t know.. h-how? You seemed, like, alright in the hospital but when you didn’t come back it just.. dragged on. I felt awkward. I know it’s not an excuse but.. I had absolutely no idea if you, like.. would want to talk to me after everything.”

“Huh?” Rich’s shoulders relaxed and he glanced over at Jeremy, expression softening. “I.. thought _you’d_ never talk to _me_ again.”

“I.. I think we’re friends? I think we all are? As far as I can t-tell we all thought you wanted nothing to do with us?” Jeremy tugged at his sweater until the ends covered his fingertips. “I.. I think we all felt a little.. weird bad? After winter break we all sat down and I explained everything as best I could, why we both did what we did. What it did to us. Everyone like.. ugh. Get to the point, Jeremy. Everyone kinda.. felt like shit for not realizing when you were.. really hurting. Or taking you seriously. Me included. It.. yeah. I’m not going to speak for everyone but I’m sorry, at least. For not listening to you at the party and for not texting.”

It was a lot. A lot all at once and Rich wasn’t ready to take it all in. It was the first time he’d really spoken to anyone in _months_ and Jeremy was talking a mile a minute.

“I.. alright. I’m..” he paused, swallowing thickly, “I’m sorry too. For.. telling you about them and for treating you like.. like shit for so long.”

“I forgive you.” Jeremy’s shoulders finally relaxed and he offered up a hesitant smile. “You.. dealt with that fucker for.. a really long time. If mine fucked me up I can’t imagine what yours did.”

All Rich could do was nod. Luckily the warning bell rang and Rich had an excuse to leave - he was emotionally exhausted. They held eyes almost a little too long as he pulled on his backpack and finally made his way out to the hall. He still had two more classes to make it through, then he could go home and just sleep.

Sleep sounded great.

* * *

 **jeremy heere (12:04 pm):** this is me texting you!  
 **jeremy heere (12:05 pm):** do you want me to tell everyone? about what we talked about?  
 **jeremy heere (12:05 pm):** or is that just an us thing for now?

_jeremy heere >> jeremy _

**jeremy (12:05 pm):** i have lunch w jake michael and brooke rn  
 **rich (12:08 pm):** i  
 **rich (12:08 pm):** sure knock urself out

* * *

Rich pretended not to notice how his chest tightened at the mention of Michael, staring himself down in the smudged bathroom mirror. He needed to get back to class. He needed a distraction.

_‘Don’t tell me you’re thinking about him. Just because you’re saying you’re bi now.’_

With a shake of his head he straightened his back and squared his shoulders, walking towards the door. When he left the bathroom he was hit with a wall of sound, he saw the cafeteria off to his left, bustling. Before he could look away he saw the table closest to him, he saw who was sitting there. Michael had his headphones on, though they were crooked, leaving one ear open to listen to whatever was happening. Jeremy was sitting next to him, looking a lot less nervous than he had earlier. Before he could get too deep into his head he tore his gaze away, blinking a few times as he started off down the hall. As he passed a cork board he saw the flyers - so bright they hurt his eyes. Bright.

The colors were back full force and it nearly gave him a headache.

It was jarring, he was just waiting for them to fade into nothing but.. it must have just been their absence from each other’s lives. 

* * *

**brooke lohst (3:30 pm):** i guess you left already??  
 **brooke lohst (3:31 pm):** i can give you a ride home if you need one next time :~(  
 **brooke lohst (3:54 pm):** im sorry do you think we could get some froyo sometime

_brooke lohst >> brookie _

**rich (4:21 pm):** yeah  
 **rich (4:21 pm):** accidentally fell asleep  
 **rich (4:21 pm):** id like that  
 **brookie (4:34 pm):** :~)

* * *

Huh. Maybe things would be.. bearable, if anything.

_‘It’s pity.’_

Even so, it felt nice to actually be getting texts again. He could learn to deal with pity, even if it made the hollow pit in his chest wider. At least he was getting attention.

_‘If you’re playing that way there’s faster ways to get pity.’_

Rich grit his teeth, it hadn’t seemed to work the first time.

_‘Because you set a fire, dumbass. You hurt others. If it’s just you then people will pity you more.’_

With a sigh he rolled over in bed, pulling his knees in closer to his body. Maybe the voice was right, he just didn’t have the brainpower to think much anymore. There were too many hours in the day. He just wanted it to be over. But.. he wasn’t ready to face another day at school and it was still only the first week.

_‘Like I said, there’s ways to stop the progression of time.’_

Shaky hands grabbed the edges of the pillow his head rested on, folding the edges to cover his ears. He knew it wouldn’t do any good but the feeling helped ground him, even if only minimally.

* * *

 **jake dillinger (7:32 pm):** we should talk some time  
 **jake dillinger (7:33 pm):** there’s a lot to talk about  
 **jake dillinger (7:45 pm):** i’m not mad  
 **jake dillinger (7:46 pm):** been working on all that empathy and paying attention to others  
 **rich (8:43 pm):** yeah man free whenever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments help keep me goin!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its nice to work on something with shorter chapters but i promise my boyfs roadtrip fic will update soon if not tonight! im excited i got stuff planned but in the mean time have some soulmates

“Coconut milk, nice.” Brooke forced a smile on her face before going to the same machine as Rich had. In reality he just picked the first froyo flavor he saw - he’d been doing that a lot, picking the first thing he saw. Without specific instructions to follow constantly he felt lost. In fact after he got his froyo he just stood there, watching Brooke. He stopped doing things without seeing other people do them first, or telling him what to do. When Brooke had nudged him and told him to grab some froyo he moved automatically, that was how he’d even picked in the first place.

_‘You need someone to control you, you’re practically useless now.’_

He decided he’d rather be useless than trying to hurt (and squip) other people.

_‘If you reactivate me we might be able to readdress how to get you to your goals.’_

With a shake of his head he followed Brooke to the toppings. He’d been nearly silent the whole time and he noticed the tenseness between them, Brooke looked.. he wasn’t sure, he couldn’t really read people anymore. Her shoulders seemed tense, her hands almost fidgety.

_‘She’s scared of you.’_

While normally he’d be inclined to believe that he couldn’t help but remember the image of himself he’d seen in the mirror earlier that day. He was thinner now, muscle mass not quite where it had been before. He looked exhausted, perpetual bags under his eyes. Not exactly the first thing that came to mind when you thought ‘threatening’.

In the interest of not keeping her waiting he picked over the toppings, just putting some frosted animal crackers in his cup. When he saw Brooke staring he also dropped in a small scoop of fruity pebbles. After a beat she seemed to realize he was done and reached out to gently pull his cup from his fingers, when she spoke it was soft, “I’ll pay.”

All he could do was nod, standing halfway behind her as she paid, silent. He watched her grab two spoons before picking up their froyo and making her way to a table. Rich followed. As he settled into the seat across from her, picking up his spoon, he tried to ignore her staring. The silence was nearly suffocating and Rich bit his tongue, trying to keep his breaths even.

“Rich?” Brooke’s brow creased in concern, head tilting a bit.

“Huh?” He jerked his head up, tightening his grip on the spoon before dipping it into his froyo.

“Uh, sorry. I asked how you’ve been.” She winced a bit. “I.. listen, I know you’ve not been good and I’m sorry. I just thought I should ask because you deserved that much - since.. I didn’t ask after the party or after everything. I know you’re not good but I’m asking because you deserve to have people ask. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.. don’t worry about it.” Lowering his head he paused to take a bite out of one of his animal crackers. “Thanks.. though. It’s.. weird.”

_‘She only asked out of obligation and pity. Stop talking.’_

“Weird how?” There was a softness in her gaze, urging him on.

“Not.. not having instruction. It was easier to just do what something was telling me to.” Rich shrugged, busying himself with another bite.

“I.. kinda relate.” Brooke let out a laugh, two parts sad, one part bitter. “Chloe and I are still.. weird. Less of a pair, more like two different people. I’m kinda.. at a loss sometimes without her dictating my interests. I should be happy because she’s actually being a better friend but.. I don’t know how to be me sometimes.”

A silence fell over them for a few moments, Brooke turned her attention to her own froyo. While there was still some awkwardness a good amount was cleared up. Rich felt like he could _breathe_ again.

“Can.. I tell you something kinda weird?” Brooke was still staring down into her cup, face scrunching up a bit. Rich couldn’t fathom why she’d want to tell _him_ but..

“Yeah.”

“Don’t laugh, alright?” When she looked up there was something else in her eyes - fear. Rich managed a nod, tensing up a bit. “Soulmates.. you know. Most.. of our group hasn’t found them yet but I.. I have.”

“Is that.. good?”

“It’s Jeremy.” Brooke curled in on herself a bit, shrinking into the chair. “Which.. could be good because he can see color, right? He thought it was Christine but.. she can’t see color. And.. he can’t exactly remember when it started because his squip was in control of him. When.. we first talked he.. didn’t say anything about color so.. I didn’t. But he’d.. pointed out something matching when we went on a date. I don’t want to get my hopes up but.. And I don’t want him to feel obligated. It’s been kinda weird between us, we haven’t talked too much but.. I found out what happened at the party - that he didn’t cheat and he wasn’t after Chloe. I.. sorry. That was a lot.”

Rich chewed on his lip, she looked nearly on the verge of tears. How long had she kept that secret? Something washed over him, breaking through the apathy.

“I.. I got something weird too.” Brooke slowly lifted her head, rubbing at her face with the sleeve of her cardigan, eyeing him intently. “I’ve met mine too and.. yeah.”

_‘No. We’ve been over this. Mell is irrelevant.’_

“What.. who.. sorry.” She winced a bit. “You don’t have to.. yeah.”

“Just.. between us?” Rich glanced up to see Brooke nod. “It’s.. Michael. And I’m.. really really sure I’m his too. We found out when I still.. had.. yeah.”

Instead of saying it he gave his head a light tap.

“Oh.. have..”

“We never talked about it. Not when we found out. Not after. I don’t think I’ve had an actual conversation with him.. ever? He talked to me once in the hospital but he was there to see Jeremy.” The look of pity he got made his skin crawl. “It’s.. I didn’t want a soulmate after.. my parents. I.. I don’t.. want one.”

“Rich.” Brooke sighed heavily, reaching over to rest her hand on his free hand. “It’s okay to.. want a soulmate. I think you should talk to him. Even if just for his sake. You’re _his_ soulmate too, you gotta remember that.”

“You’re Jeremy’s.”

“Maybe.” With a shorter sigh this time Brooke let her gaze drop. “And.. I’m going to talk to him. You should talk to Michael.”

All Rich responded with was a short hum.

* * *

 **brookie (5:21 pm):** let me know if you need a ride to school tomorrow  
 **brookie (5:21 pm):** thanks for getting froyo with me  
 **rich (5:43 pm):** a ride would be nice  
 **brookie (5:54 pm):** sure thing richie

* * *

The second week of school was a little easier. Rich still spent most of his time between classes hiding or camping out in the library or with the nurses for lunch. When he spent his time in the library Jeremy would often find his way to him, even if he just sat at the same table and did homework. Rich would come to learn that he had a free period that overlapped with his lunch. 

It was another one of those times and Jeremy settled into the chair across from him. He flipped through a textbook but his pencil lay abandoned on his notebook. It was still early in the year, no one was quite stressed enough to work too hard yet.

“How a-are you today?” Jeremy glanced up, moving to lean his chin on his hand. Rich just shrugged, picking at his phone case.

“I hung out with Brooke last week. That was.. cool. It was nice.” He kept his eyes down, if he was going to be talking he couldn’t also deal with the toll that eye contact brought. “Have you talked to her lately?”

“Yes.. and no? We have lunch together.. and physics. We haven’t like hung out or anything.” Jeremy sighed, wrapping his arms around himself. “She acts like.. she forgives me but I still feel like shit.”

“For Chloe taking advantage of..?” He trailed off, biting his lip.

“I..” Jeremy furrowed his brows. “You.. know about..? I m-mean. She was drunk and.. I don’t think she knew. Plus the.. squip was also making me stay, I..”

“They were connected, remember.” Rich tapped the side of his head. “I like.. vaguely knew about it. Mine kinda taunted me because you were.. ‘getting some’.” He gave some air quotes, curling his lip a bit at the memory.

“She.. apologized. I just kind of avoid her for now. I believe that she didn’t mean it, I just.. need time. We.. we were talking about Brooke?”

“Yeah. I.. I think if she says she forgives you she does.” Rich spared Jeremy a brief glance. “Besides, I don’t think you should wait for her to talk to _you,_ I think you owe it to her. Even if she forgives you, which I think she does, you still hurt her. You should talk to her. It’d probably mean a lot.”

They met eyes this time, pausing for an almost uncomfortable amount of time. Jeremy furrowed his brows as if he was looking for some hidden meaning behind Rich’s words. Thankfully, for Rich’s sake, the warning bell ran and he hopped up to grab his stuff. Without another word he headed out of the library, ignoring how he was sure Jeremy’s gaze could probably burn a hole in him.

Since when did he start playing matchmaker?

_‘You’re never going to be happy. You can make other people happy and suffer in turn.’_

Right.

* * *

All the avoidance seemed to be paying off, after not seeing Michael at all since the week before the colors were starting to fade again. Not as much as they had before, but it was a process. If it was tied to proximity Rich was sure they wouldn’t fade the amount they had when he wasn’t in school - they _were_ in the same building now five days a week. As long as he didn’t see him, though.. The colors would quiet down and he would stop getting headaches from looking at anything red.

At least it had been paying off until the final bell. He slipped out of his class, going against the crowd to head towards a side door. Brooke usually parked on the edge of the parking lot so it wasn’t an issue to head out the door by the auditorium. It also helped him avoid people. From what Rich knew the ‘squad’ liked to hang out by the front doors before going their separate ways. 

Usually.

Apparently this day was different.

Rich slammed his back against the wall, backing up to hide himself around the edge of the building again. For _some_ reason Michael Mell was leaning on the hood of Brooke’s car, chatting about something. His PT Cruiser was parked next to her, glaringly red. It made his head ache so he just stayed still, keeping behind the wall to stay unseen. Though, in the back of his head he knew that Michael would know he was there, his vision would flood with another wave of color and he’d look around, knowing Rich was somewhere close.

_‘Good. Maybe he’ll leave then so you can go to Brooke’s car. You know he wants nothing to do with you.’_

Almost on cue his phone screen lit up.

 **brookie (3:01 pm):** rich? where are you?  
 **rich (3:02 pm):** mell is by ur car  
 **brookie (3:02 pm):** come on he doesnt bite  
 **rich (3:03 pm):** he hates me

_‘Shared too much.’_

Rich knew it was right, wincing. He meant to keep that inside, all those feelings he had towards Michael. No one needed to know the dread he felt at fucking up his soulmate situation. He said he never wanted to be like his father but didn’t he fuck Michael over by acting like their connection meant nothing? Not that he thought Michael would have wanted him in the first place.

 **brookie (3:03 pm):** rich.  
 **brookie (3:03 pm):** :~(  
 **brookie (3:07 pm):** he left you can come out here now

When he peeked out he saw that Brooke was right. The car was gone and it was just Brooke, standing next to her silver minivan. Steeling himself he headed over, doing a sort of half jog, grasping onto the straps of his backpack. For a minute he found himself considering the logistics of transferring anywhere Michael wasn’t, shaking himself out of it as Brooke cast him a smile. It was.. tense but it was still a smile. Sighing, he got into her car.

* * *

 **jeremy (7:21 pm):** did something happen with you and michael  
 **jeremy (7:22 pm):** he got weird when i mentioned you  
 **rich (7:33 pm):** pretty sure he just hates me not that deep dude  
 **jeremy (7:34 pm):** i dont think he HATES you  
 **jeremy (7:35 pm):** he wouldnt tell me anything but i dont know  
 **jeremy (7:35 pm):** you should take your own advice and talk to him  
 **jeremy (7:36 pm):** hes forgiven me and he talks to everyone now  
 **jeremy (7:36 pm):** hed probably forgive you if you talked to him  
 **jeremy (7:37 pm):** but hes one of those people you need to approach and tell him sorry straight up and everything  
 **jeremy (7:37 pm):** hes really great though  
 **rich (7:54 pm):** hm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me going!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been playing animal crossing non stop so.. hence the few days between chapters lol! ive got a few things in the works so keep an eye out for my other stories that will be updating and something new im working on!  
> warnings; richs squip is pretty brutal with him theres vague mentions of suicidal thoughts, implied child abuse (richs dad), and homophobia from the squip (nothing too major, no slurs)

September couldn’t come quick enough, another month was just another month closer to graduation. Closer to freedom. Once high school was over he could do anything, he could just-

_‘Disappear.’_

He could disappear.

_‘And not a botched job this time.’_

Rich couldn’t help but wince at that. If the squip could actually manifest still he was sure there was be some stupid smile on its face. He didn’t miss seeing it, so at least Mountain Dew Red had done something. The shocks too.. it was nice to be free of those.

_‘Shame, they were effective.’_

Shaking his head, Rich flopped onto his bed, pressing his face into the pillow. Of course they were effective! At the end of the day he’d practically gone through shock therapy and.. conversion therapy. He winced at the thought of it, he was really fucked up. Reflecting on it was always weird, he tried not to think about it and now when he did it really just made him want to cry.

_‘You haven’t cried since freshman year. Don’t start now.’_

* * *

**jeremy (3:32 pm):** rich!  
**jeremy (3:33 pm):** wanna get froyo tonight  
**jeremy (3:33 pm):** you me brooke micah  
**rich (3:42 pm):** he hates me  
**jeremy (3:45 pm):** dude im sure he doesnt hate you  
**jeremy (3:45 pm):** just talk to him!  
**jeremy (3:45 pm):** hes been super receptive to us merging into one big group  
**rich (3:46 pm):** you dont get it  
**jeremy (3:47 pm):** come get froyo  
**jeremy (3:47 pm):** after tonight ill find a time to really talk to brooke  
**jeremy (3:47 pm):** and then you can talk to michael  
**jeremy (3:47 pm):** take your own advice  
**jeremy (3:48 pm):** im also paying  
**rich (3:49 pm):** fine  
**jeremy (3:50 pm):** good bc were picking you up in 20!  
**rich (3:50 pm):** wtf

* * *

_‘Why would you agree to that? Hanging out with losers. Haven’t you done enough damage?’_

* * *

**brookie (3:59 pm):** be there in ten !!  
**brookie (3:59 pm):** you dont have to come if you dont wanna  
**brookie (3:59 pm):** we all want you here though  
**brookie (4:00 pm):** i think it could be good for you and michael to see each other  
**rich (4:00 pm):** its fine ill come  
**brookie (4:01 pm):** :~)

* * *

Rich wasn’t sure if Jeremy was an idiot or a genius. Or a bitch.

When Brooke pulled up he saw Jeremy in the passenger seat. When he approached the car Jeremy didn’t move. In the interest of not looking awkward he finally pulled himself into the back seat. Next to Michael. He kept his eyes down, the red hoodie on the edge of his vision was vibrant. He had a headache - why was he even wearing that eyesore? Who wore a hoodie in 70 degree weather?

_‘Insecure, ugly freaks. People you don’t need in your life.’_

Rich couldn’t disprove anything about Michael’s insecurities but he shuddered as he thought about his attractiveness - waiting for a shock that would never come. Not anymore. For once it hadn’t caused him harm to admit that Michael was.. cute. It made him feel warm.

A laugh drew him from his thoughts, he was vaguely aware of Jeremy and Brooke wrapped up in a conversation. Something in him made him raise his head, glancing over at Michael who had his headphones on. (Slightly crooked so that one ear was free to take in his surroundings.)

“What are you listening to?” The ‘s’ came out as a harsh lisp and he grit his teeth, swallowing thickly. He waited a beat, forcing down the building dread. Despite Jeremy’s words he was pretty sure Michael _did_ hate him. He scrambled to keep talking, thinking maybe that could do _something_ to change the situation, “lemme see your playlist.”

The brashness seemed to catch Michael off guard and he scrunched up his face, contemplating. After a minute he let his shoulders relax, fishing his phone out of his pocket and handing it to Rich. The screen lit up and Rich just stared down at the popup that told him what was playing. Without a second thought he hit the skip button, flipping to the next song. He let it play for a minute, trying to remember the lyrics (he vaguely knew them). Before it finished he skipped again, cycling through indie songs he’d never heard of and music made before they were even born. It was more range than he thought. After nearly twenty songs he looked up to see Michael not even looking at him, he was staring out the window. It was funny, anyone else would probably have gone crazy at the constantly changing music. Michael didn’t seem to mind. Instead he just kept watching the world move by outside the car window.

Rich couldn’t help but wonder if Michael was as mesmerized by the now vibrant signs they passed as he was.

Before he could think about it for much longer Michael stuck out his hand and Rich passed the phone back silently. He hated that something so weird and small made him feel almost the happiest he’d been in.. a long time.

_‘We need to fix that. We’ve been over this, you are not deserving of any happiness. You need to ignore him, push him away. Not any of what this is.’_

Normally he’d fold, this was what he wanted, wasn’t it? He needed direction, that had become obvious very quickly. It seemed like the squip fed off of that - even if it wasn’t fully functioning it could see that he needed it. Its voice has slowly gotten a little stronger. Though it seemed to focus solely on punishment now, that was becoming apparent enough. He supposed all it really could do anymore was berate and complain about his every move. But after something so small he felt enough strength to fight if off, even if only for a little bit. Even if he knew he didn’t want.. didn’t deserve Michael. It felt good to fight. Maybe he’d try it more.

“Mell,” he spoke without elaborating, holding out his phone open on the screen to create a contact. It was a bit of a leap - he half expected to be turned down or ignored. Instead a hesitant hand reached out and took his phone, punching in a number. He assured himself he was only doing everything the squip didn’t want him to, not because he actually thought he could like Michael. They probably wouldn’t talk anyways.

By the time he was getting his phone back they were pulling into a parking spot at Pinkberry. He sent a quick text just to confirm his number, a string of weird emojis. He wasn’t sure but as they hopped out of the car he thought he saw Michael smile, at least a little. Before the squip could chime in he gave his head a shake, straining to keep it at bay.

He just wanted to try and enjoy himself.

All the flavors and toppings looked more appetizing when they were so full of vibrance and color.

* * *

**michael mell (7:23 pm):** you busy?  
**rich (7:26 pm):** nah  
**michael mell (7:30 pm):** you live like a block from me right  
**michael mell (7:30 pm):** meet me at the little park thats like a block from ur place?  
**rich (7:31 pm):** gimme 30 min?  
**rich (7:31 pm):** ill be there

* * *

Rich could count the amount of times he was _this_ stressed on his hand. He wasn’t really sure why he’d agreed and he wasn’t sure what to expect. After everything, what did Michael want to do with him?

_‘Maybe he’ll beat you up - knock some sense into you. You really think he’d forgive you after everything you did? You can’t be telling me you’re actually into him. You’re not gay. You don’t even want a soulmate.’_

The nagging was beginning to give him a headache and while he usually tried to keep the rebuttals in his head he was a bit fed up.

“Whatever,” with a groan he ran fingers through his hair. “Doesn’t matter if I’m into him. I’m.. not gay. I’m bi. I’m bi! Fuck you.”

_‘Whatever you want to tell yourself.’_

“Michael had _red,_ he might _still_ have _red._ Maybe I can shut you up for good.”

That seemed to get it to shut up, at least for the time being. He didn’t quite have the time to relish the silence, digging around his room to find long abandoned shorts. Who needed pants or anything in summer, relaxing alone in your room. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone. With shorts on he grabbed his shoes, too. It was dark but it was only the start of september, it probably was still warm. His t-shirt would be enough.

With a groan he realized he sounded like some obsessed teen girl; why was he thinking so hard about what he was wearing to go meet Michael?

Instead of trying to answer that he tucked his house key in his pocket and headed out - keeping his footsteps light so as to not wake his dad. The last thing he wanted was to explain himself, the remains of the squip grilled him enough. He was tired. With the door shut behind him he started down the sidewalk. It was still warm, really it felt nice. Maybe it was a bit humid but Rich was fine to savor it while it lasted. The fall chill was bound to come and even if he felt weird putting all his scars on display sometimes.. he didn’t like needing to dress warm. He didn’t like _needing_ to do anything. It was ironic considering he had no clue what he wanted to do and had thrived off of instruction.

Well, ‘thrived’ probably wasn’t the right word. He survived, he had survived two years with that thing. It was horrible but.. it helped keep him from getting hurt by his father or by his peers. He got to the top of the food chain.

_‘As intended.’_

As much as he despised it.. it had helped and he couldn’t deny that. It kept him safe from others at the cost of safety from it and, well, himself.

_‘You punish yourself to get stronger.’_

In some sick way he’d miss the voice if it disappeared forever.

_‘You need me.’_

Maybe he did need it. If he was going to feel empty and unfulfilled in life regardless.. at least this way something could try and give him direction.

The more he bent the stronger the voice seemed to get. Maybe it couldn’t control him or shock him.. but the louder it got the easier it was to just _listen._ Any thoughts of getting more red from Michael faded from his mind. As long as the voice couldn’t outright control him he’d be fine. Right? Some watered down squip couldn’t hurt anyone else.

_‘Just you.’_

And he deserved it.

Whatever was coming, he was sure he deserved it. It was like a thunder cloud looming on the horizon, nothing good came out of meeting someone in the middle of the night. Whatever it was, he couldn’t say he blamed Michael. Whatever it was.. he’d just have to accept it. Because, really, he respected Michael. No matter what the squip wanted him to feel he realized, a bit too late, that he respected him. And liked him. And maybe.. really liked him. So he just tried to brace himself, he had to be ready to accept whatever form the rejection came in. If Michael wanted to beat him up, so be it. After everything he knew it was only fair. If he only wanted to chew him out for everything he’d ever done to him, that was fair too. If he wanted to cut Rich out forever, well..

It almost scared him how much the thought hurt him. Hell, they’d barely ever spoken but he supposed that was just a testament to the reality of their situation. They were soulmates, whether they liked it or not, they were bound by some cosmic force. No matter how hard he tried, Rich couldn’t escape that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments make my day! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> richs squip is pretty brutal as usual, no specific warnings i think hes just down on rich and michael  
> vague eating disorder stuff if anything? richs squip is just mean to him

“I’ve been expecting you,” Michael’s voice cut through the crisp air, only interrupted by the gentle creaking of the swing he was swaying on.

“I.. hope so? You told me to come.” When his lisp broke through he winced, gritting his teeth. After a beat he made his way to the swings and lowered himself onto the one next to him. “What.. I. Why?”

After stumbling through possible questions in his head he decided to keep it simple.

“We need to talk.” Any lightness in Michael’s tone dripped away and he lowered his gaze to look at the woodchips. “I think you know why.”

“Yeah.” Rich wanted to say more but his mouth felt too dry, any words dying on his tongue.

“I’m.. not, like, instantly cool with you.”

“Expected that much.”

It seemed like Michael must have been expecting Rich to put up a fight, not accept the obvious. It was like he was thrown off and he scrambled for what he was going to say next.

“I.. what.. What does this mean then?” 

Rich couldn’t help but wonder what sort of monologue Michael must have prepared.

“Well.. we can’t change it. Accept or ignore are the options.”

“What.. do you want?” It was jarring, all the anger seemed to disappear and he fidgeted with one of the string bracelets on his wrist.

_‘He’s insecure, you fucked him up. He thinks he’s unloveable. Which - he’s not wrong. So just rip the band aid off. Neither of you deserve this. Even if you’d be shit together you don’t even deserve to pretend to be happy.’_

“Rich? What are..” Michael scrunched up his face, trailing off. Before he could catch on to the fact that the squip wasn’t _exactly_ gone Rich just shook his head.

“Spaced out. Happens.. a lot now.” He bit his tongue, the rejection was on the tip of his tongue and the tinny voice of his squip urged him on. Clenching his fists he forced his words out, throat tightening. “I.. want to.. do this.”

With weak arms he did a short gesture between them.

“Okay.” Michael seemed unimpressed, looking him over. “You know that means we have to start over. Completely.”

When Rich just tilted his head Michael continued.

“Putting the whole soulmate thing aside. You don’t get to date me just because it’s the will of the stars or whatever. At school Monday I’m going to meet Rich Goranski for the first time. Capeesh?”

Michael was already standing up, shoving his hands in his pockets and heading towards his car. Rich blinked in surprise before giving a half-hearted salute, stuck in place. He could have sworn Michael gave him a tense smile.

It had gone a lot better than he thought.

* * *

 **michael mell (11:02 pm):** and dont tell anyone  
 **michael mell (11:03 pm):** ive kept it a secret for like over two years  
 **michael mell (11:03 pm):** were doing this on our time  
 **rich (11:22 pm):** about that  
 **rich (11:23 pm):** brooke knows  
 **michael mell (11:43 pm):** are you kidding me  
 **rich (11:45 pm):** she told me about her shitty situation! it was only fair  
 **rich (11:45 pm):** i trust her  
 **michael mell (11:55 pm):** youre lucky i do too

_michael mell >> michael _

**rich (12:01 am):** night  
 **michael (12:25 am):** night

* * *

Instead of spending his lunch period in the library Rich decided to actually get some food for once. He didn’t know what it was but there was some sort of flicker of hope. Maybe he wasn’t alone as he thought.

_‘You’re never alone. I’m here. And that’s too much food.’_

Rich tried to shrug it off, poking at sugary peaches as he scrolled through his phone. He was sort of relieved that no one else seemed to share his lunch period, he wasn’t sure if he could handle too much interaction. Especially after making himself pretty sparse for the first three weeks of school.

Had it really been three weeks? He tried to remember everything that had happened. He’d talked to Brooke and Jeremy more, he started talking to Michael. He called Jake a few times in between those instances but they still hadn’t met up. Jake was just.. busy. He was always busy.

An alert on his phone caught his attention and he felt stupid when he felt his pulse speed up.

* * *

 **michael (11:22 am):** i have a free period  
 **michael (11:22 am):** jer said you have lunch rn? but youre not in the library like usual?  
 **rich (11:23 am):** im in the cafeteria  
 **rich (11:23 am):** table by the condiments  
 **michael (11:24 am):** you sure?  
 **michael (11:24 am):** its not too late to turn back  
 **michael (11:25 am):** instead of being seen with a loser like me  
 **rich (11:25 am):** i have pudding if you want it

* * *

As soon as he sent the text he saw a flash of red on the edge of his vision, Michael made a beeline for his table. For once the bright color didn’t give him a headache, in contrast it actually made his lips twitch into a slight smile.

_‘Are you serious? Suddenly you’re going to go all middle school crush on his stupid ass?’_

“I was promised pudding?” Michael plopped into the seat across from Rich, resting his chin on his hands. For once Rich finally met his eyes and truly looked at Michael.

“Did you only come for the pudding?” With a short chuckle he pushed the pudding cup forwards with a plastic spoon. 

“Obviously.” Michael said it with a crooked grin, rolling his eyes as he opened the pudding cup. “Who would turn down free pudding?”

The harsh cafeteria lights never really did anyone justice but they let Rich see the brown tones come out in Michael’s hair, let him see the few splattered freckles over his face. A pang of guilt sparked in his chest as he let his gaze linger - how had he never noticed how pretty Michael was?

_‘He’s not, you’re caught up in that idiotic soulmate shit.’_

“You were looking for me?” Rich let his eyes drop finally, turning his attention to his chicken sandwich, picking off pieces of the bread to eat. He quirked an eyebrow, shifting his feet under the table.

“I..” Michael poked at the pudding, pausing for a moment, seemingly weighing his options. “Well, yeah. Would you rather I not?”

“No! I.. I just..” Rich winced a bit, biting his tongue as he lisped. “I just didn’t know you were serious.”

“Are you serious?”

Rich just nodded, raising his head again to meet his gaze.

“Then I am.” Michael said it simply, diverting his eyes back down to his pudding as he scooped some up. “I don’t really forgive you all the way yet, but I’m.. willing to? I can’t help but like you, at least a bit. That’s the whole point here.”

“Let’s.. do it then. Work on it.” Rich took a pause to take a bite from his sandwich. “For what it’s worth I.. I like you, I like what I know about you. And I’m sorry. For everything.”

“Good start.” Was what Michael ended up on after a brief pause and he flashed a smile before finally taking a bite of the pudding.

_‘Oh, get over it. You’re so fucking easy. He’s average at best and he smiles and what? You’re fucking melting over him? You were content to ignore him before.’_

Rich bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from outwardly responding - it was easier to cram down any attraction to a guy when he was being conditioned and practically mind controlled. Now it was just some good ole harassment and intense bullying. When he was alone it was overbearing and.. truly he felt like it was going to push him over the edge. But when he was with Michael, it was a little easier to push the voice to the back of his head. He was just _interesting_ and he seemed to be everything Rich wished he could be. He acted like he didn’t give a shit, he practically danced in the halls, he didn’t care that he was a loser. He _respected_ Michael. Whether or not the stars’ vision of them as soulmates worked out.. Michael was great.

“Tell me.. a random thing about you.” Rich said suddenly, sitting up a bit straighter. He set what was left of his sandwich down to give his full attention. Talking helped keep the squip at bay too.

“Hm, alright.” Michael finished off the pudding, rolling his sleeves down until they covered his hands. Rich could have groaned at that, he was sweating despite the air conditioning. “I.. I’m not really used to talking about myself.”

“First thing that comes to mind.” Rich leaned forward a bit, a grin playing on his face.

“Shit, fuck. Okay.” Michael looked a bit flustered, it made Rich feel a bit fuzzy. “Uhh.. I’m trilingual? Sorry I’m not.. really interesting.”

Rich watched as he scrunched up his face, turning his head away. It caught him off guard - Michael seemed so cool and collected, it didn’t seem like him to be so dejected. It was so jarring that Rich scrambled to butt in before Michael could be too down on himself, “that’s like.. cool as fuck dude. What languages?”

It seemed to be a success, Michael perked up just a bit. 

“Tagalog and Spanish, my moms speak them, one each.” He seemed to stutter for a moment when he mentioned his moms and Rich nearly winced. Right. All that bullying.

“That’s.. like. Neat as hell. I barely have a grasp on English, as you can tell.” The lisp got more obvious with each ‘s’ and for once he didn’t get too hung up on it.

“Yeah, speech impediments are kinda cute though.” When he said it there was a bit of a smirk there and Rich couldn’t help but jolt a bit, cheeks lighting up. Before he could get anything out the lunch bell rang. “I’ll see you later?”

All Rich could do was nod as he darted away, dropping what was left of his lunch in the trash as he passed it.

It went well.

* * *

 **brookie (12:05 pm):** heard about your little lunch date with michael ;~)  
 **rich (12:06 pm):**!  
 **brookie (12:06 pm):** he told me since you told me about you two ;~p  
 **brookie (12:06 pm):** i told him about my jer situation to be fair  
 **brookie (12:07 pm):** i think he really likes you  
 **brookie (12:07 pm):** even if hes gonna make you work for it  
 **rich (12:08 pm):** i think you have a shot with jer  
 **brookie (12:09 pm):** :~p pay attention to class

* * *

It was easier said than done but he made it through the day. When he headed to the parking lot to find Brooke he saw Michael by her car again. This time he headed over with only a little bit of nervousness. Michael flashed him a smile and a wave, telling Brooke a goodbye before he headed to his own car. The smile that followed from Brooke was knowing.

* * *

 **michael (6:22 pm):** what are you up to wednesday  
 **michael (6:23 pm):** jer is doing tech on the play  
 **michael (6:23 pm):** dunno why hes doing anything related to it but  
 **michael (6:24 pm):** im free  
 **michael (6:24 pm):** wednesday night  
 **michael (6:24 pm):** and im not just asking because jers busy  
 **michael (6:25 pm):** just  
 **rich (6:25 pm):** wanna drive me after school?  
 **michael (6:26 pm):** ill let brooke know you dont need a ride

* * *

 **jake (7:23 pm):** rich!  
 **rich (7:43 pm):** hey man  
 **jake (7:51 pm):** wanna do something this week? i’ve been so busy  
 **rich (7:52 pm):** yeah  
 **rich (7:52 pm):** what day?  
 **jake (7:53 pm):** wednesday?  
 **rich (7:54 pm):** uhh  
 **jake (7:56 pm):** you have plans?  
 **rich (7:57 pm):** uh yeah  
 **rich (7:58 pm):** shit sorry  
 **jake (8:00 pm):** are you kidding? i’m happy for you rich!  
 **jake (8:00 pm):** it’s nice to see you doing better  
 **rich (8:01 pm):** oh  
 **rich (8:02 pm):** thanks  
 **jake (8:03 pm):** we’ll find another time  
 **jake (8:04 pm):** i miss ya!  
 **rich (8:22 pm):** i miss you too man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments make my day <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> richs squip sucks as always. his home life is referenced as being not great. i think thats it for warnings

“Still wanna do this?” 

Michael’s voice cut through the fog in Rich’s head and he realized he was paused, halfway into the car. He swallowed thickly and pulled himself the rest of the way, setting back into the seat as he hugged his backpack close to his chest.

“Yeah! Yeah. Just..” Instead of trying to find the right words he waved his hands a bit by his head, miming a sort of explosion. “A lot going on up there.”

“Mm,” Michael hummed, starting up the car, “yeah, man. Jer told me about how it’s hard to not remember its voice.”

_‘Yeah, remember. Jeremy’s gotta learn to keep his mouth shut for once because if his squip is still around and Michael knew that idiot’s squip was still active and he said nothing.. their friendship would be ruined. So, actually, tell him about me, tell him. Let him know you’ve kept me here. Ruin his trust. You’ve barely got it anyways.’_

“Where are we going?” Rich focused on the small things to try and keep the squip at bay. He became hyper aware of everything around him to keep from drifting. He thought about the metal buckle as he secured his seatbelt. He focused on the feeling of it crossed over his chest.

“My place good? Ready to just fucking crash and boot up some games and be lazy. Those first assignments of the semester are really hitting.”

_‘You really thought he’d take you on a date? How pathetic. He’s only pulling you along where he was already going out of obligation. Nothing about this has to do with you, don’t forget that. It’s pity. Pity and obligation.’_

“Yeah, sounds great. I’m ready to just fucking veg out and vibe. Without.. ugh.” With a wince he realized he’d delved into uncharted territory. He’d hinted at his dad before but he’d never told anyone outright. There was just something that was baseline in him that made Michael trustworthy. All the science behind soulmates never interested him but.. maybe now he’d be more interested. Michael glanced at him as he pulled out of the parking lot - expectant. “Without my, uh, dad around.”

“Oh. Bad thing?”

“Bad thing,” Rich confirmed, grimacing a bit. “Don’t be offended if I don’t invite you over. It’s a.. him thing, not a you thing.”

Michael just hummed in acknowledgement while Rich tried to not break down.

_‘Perfect. You’ve offered up too much and he thinks you expect comfort he’s not ready to give. This is great, you’re already messing up.’_

“Glad I got a whole basement to myself then. Plus a killer game setup, I kinda prefer my place anyways.” With a shrug Michael let out a short laugh, which was a bit jarring to Rich. Almost instantly he felt his heart rate relax a bit, it seemed like Michael was just full of surprises.

“Fuck, hell yeah. I just have a shitty Xbox.”

“Dude,” Michael said it earnestly, bringing a hand up to his chest in feigned shock. “You are not ready for my collection. We’ve got retro up to recent releases. Jeremy and I consolidated all our games and consoles like.. starting freshman year, besides duplicates.. like he has his own Switch and Playstation.. anyways! It’s like peak, best game selection ever. Looks like a fuckin’ GameStop. If only I could steal one of their cute character cutouts. They had these really cool Pokemon ones but Jeremy, the wet paper towel he is, advised against stealing.”

Rich was new to the unfiltered ramblings of Michael Mell and he _loved_ it.

“Man.. I haven’t played games in a while. Well - fun games. For some reason all the fun games are ‘uncool’.” It was punctuated by Rich doing air quotes. “So many people play games, people make careers on it! I don’t get how the squips decided they aren’t cool.”

_‘They aren’t, you’re just going to rot your brain in front of a screen. All of these gaming careers will become unsustainable. Our workout regimen was much more productive for your future.’_

“Seems like they thought most shit wasn’t cool.”

“Oh!” Rich sat up a bit straighter, perking up. “Do you have Animal Crossing I’ve always wanted to play! I.. uh, I guess. I know it’s like.. maybe kinda boring.. uh.”

Despite his initial excitement he shrunk back a bit after speaking, hyper aware of the squip in the back of his head.

“Hell yeah, man. You can play my 3DS one. We can’t really play together but whatever. You can try it out. It’s relaxing as fuck.”

“I.. I’d like that.”

* * *

Rich would come to learn that they both had their own issues. Maybe that was why Michael had even considered giving him a chance, he had his own complicated problems that gave him an odd backlog of sympathy and empathy to pull from. His first hint was Michael’s relationship with his moms.

Of course he loved his moms but.. he just acted strange around them. Stranger than an average teenage boy.

When they stepped into the Mell household Michael had directly ushered him towards the basement where he nearly stumbled down the stairs. Rich had only caught a glimpse of a woman in the living room and he heard Michael’s voice, words running together, as he headed down the stairs.

“Yeah it is. Uh-huh, yeah. Sounds good.”

From what Rich had understood Michael had a nice life. He had money, he had a car, he had freedom. Jeremy had recounted a few tales of the crazy shit they’d gotten up to at Michael’s place during their new library hangouts. Not to mention.. he smoked, kind of a lot. While everyone had their opinions it still wasn’t.. widely accepted and at first he’d just assumed Michael’s moms must have been really chill. Now he thought they were chill but also, there seemed to be some barrier there. Maybe one of Michael’s own creation.

It didn’t make sense. At least to Rich it didn’t. The thought of crafting a rift between himself and his father was born out of survival and fear. If his mom were still around he couldn’t even imagine not relying on her. While it could have been the jealousy talking, he just didn’t get it - Michael had parents who were fairly good from what he knew. Why would he isolate so much, why would he brush them off? Rich could have cried at the mere _thought_ of being able to hug his mother again.

“Rich?”

_‘So pathetic! This half-functioning state is a joke. You would be more capable of surviving twenty minutes if I could rearrange your memories again. You don’t have a mom, you haven’t for years. It can’t hold you back forever. You-’_

“..Rich?”

“Huh?” He raised his head, forcing his eyes to refocus. “Sorry.. just feel fuzzy. Headaches.”

Michael just gave a slight nod, not pushing the issue. Rich couldn’t help but think about his situation with Jeremy - at least he must have been used to these after effects, the ripples. He couldn’t say for certain that Jeremy still heard the voice, or if he did to the extent Rich did, but they had their similarities. He’d seen Jeremy with that far off look a few times.

So instead of talking, Michael headed past the couch in the middle of the room, grabbing something off his nightstand before spinning around to stop back in front of the couch, not yet sitting. Rich took a few tentative steps forwards before climbing onto it and settling into the cushions, raising his eyebrows when Michael held his hand out. It was a 3DS, the outside was printed with a purple galaxy design.

“The game’s already in, go nuts dude.” Michael offered up a slight smile before turning his attention to the tv. He turned it on as well as a gaming console, clutching a controller as he moved to plop onto the couch next to Rich. There was an almost uncomfortable space between them.

Trying to ignore the silence Rich booted up the game, mashing buttons to get through the menus and characters speaking until the character emerged from the house. All things considered it did look like a little Michael, it even had a red hoodie on.

“I guess it’s good I never played this until now,” Rich mumbled, eyes on the screen as he walked through a field of flowers, testing out buttons to see what they did.

“Hm?” Michael kept his attention away as well, navigating through a menu of digitally downloaded games. He usually liked to keep physical copies but he couldn’t deny the convenience. Besides, some games were download only and he considered himself a bit of a connoisseur.

“The colors.”

They finally met eyes, only briefly before they both jolted a bit, looking away.

“Yeah,” Michael agreed softly. “Playing games was pretty cool after that. Then it got all..”

With a pause Michael gestured a bit with the controller in his hands. Rich knew exactly what he was trying to convey.

“Gross and muddy.”

“Yeah, that.” Michael nodded, continuing to scroll through his games. “It’s cool again now, though.”

“Did it surprise you?” Rich shifted how he was sitting, pulling his legs up close to himself. If he weren’t choking on words, trying to have some semblance of a serious conversation, he would have made a quip about how bi people can’t sit right.

Michael hummed in confusion, waiting for Rich to elaborate.

“When.. you could see ‘em?” Rich kept his eyes down, running around in the game. He looked through stores for things to spend Michael’s hard earned in-game currency on. “I got that streak in my hair. I didn’t know red was so.. bright?”

“Oh.” Michael relaxed against the couch some. “Yeah. I didn’t realize this thing was so obnoxious and kinda tacky.”

With a pause Michael gestured towards himself, namely his hoodie, before he continued, “like, it’s great but.. some of these patches clash so fucking bad. Suppose it’s part of the charm.”

“Totally dude.”

“The funniest fucking thing, though,” Michael’s words tapered off into a wheezing laugh that made Rich’s chest tighten. “When I first got this fucking patch.. I put it on upside down because, you know, couldn’t fucking tell! My moms didn’t tell me I had an upside down rainbow flag for, like, a week! Homophobia at its finest.”

By the end of it Michael was nearly tearing up laughing at the absurdity of it all. It also put Rich’s mind at ease, at least a bit. It was comforting to know Michael didn’t hate his parents, or that there at least wasn’t too much of a gap between them. Whatever he sensed was probably nothing too extreme and the smaller, envious part of himself was relieved to know Michael cherished having supportive parents, at least to some extent.

Since when had he started psychoanalyzing people? 

_‘You’re jealous. Even though Michael Mell is the last person anyone should be jealous of. You’re jealous that he has parents who love him and it seems like he takes it for granted. Or that he even has a tendency to push them away.’_

Before he could wonder how the squip had managed to pick up on so much it cut his line of thought off.

_‘I was connected to Jeremy’s squip. Jeremy’s squip had a backlog of memories relating to Michael. I used this information to separate the two of you to the best of my ability and distance you.’_

In an attempt to ward off suspicion Rich forced out a short laugh that slowly became more genuine. It wasn’t too hard, it was a pretty funny story.

As their laughs died down Rich couldn’t help but let his gaze linger on Michael. The basement wasn’t too well lit, especially with the sun setting. Warm light cast across the room, cutting through the window well on the far wall. The color complimented Michael’s skin nicely, bringing out the warm undertones. His hair, too - Rich hadn’t realized how brown it was, hidden until the sun hit it. Well, these things were hard to realize either way, he was still getting used to consistent and full color.

It was something he _could_ get used to, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me going! finally done with the semester so im going to try and update closer to daily again!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont think theres any big warnings. squip sucks as usual

“Hey.. Rich?” There was a bump against his shoulder causing him to groan lowly and squeeze his eyes shut tighter. He felt something shift and there was another tap on his shoulder. “Rich.”

“Hm?” With a hum he finally blinked his eyes open, rubbing the bleariness from them.

“Nice nap?”

With a jolt Rich pushed himself up from where he’d fallen against Michael’s shoulder, his face heating up. He couldn’t even remember falling asleep, he must have been more tired than he thought. It wasn’t surprising though, Rich wasn’t exactly the poster child of good sleep schedules.

“S..Sorry, sorry. Just.. tired as fuck lately.” He tripped over his words, lisp harsh. He kept his gaze trained down, an old habit resurfacing, one predating the squip.

“All good, dude.” Michael shrugged, a bemused smile tugging on his lips. “No offence, but you look exhausted as fuck, dude.”

“Listen, people make slime videos like there’s no tomorrow. Who else is going to watch them at 3 am? Especially now in color - it’s cool as fuck!” He tried not to think of how he felt just a bit colder without being pressed up to Michael’s side. His eyelids still felt heavy and he struggled to keep them open, relaxing in the silence as Michael’s attention drifted back to the game he was playing. Checking his phone he saw the time and jolted a bit.

“What?” Even though Michael’s eyes were glued to the screen he was aware of the shift in Rich’s attitude. He couldn’t help but wonder if there really was innate connection between them.

“I, uh, gotta run. My dad is gonna be home in like twenty minutes so I gotta.. yeah.” With a grimace Rich hopped off the couch, moving the 3DS from where it had dropped into his lap onto the cushion next to Michael. 

“Do you need a ride? I can-”

“No!” Rich flinched a bit.

_ ‘Good, don’t let him in. Keep him out, alienate him until he gives up.’ _

The sudden noise from the back of his head made him dizzy and he started towards the stairs, looking back with a strained smile. “It’s not far, I’m fine. I’ll.. see you tomorrow, though.”

“Alright.” Michael didn’t seem too convinced but.. that was his problem. Right. Rich steeled himself and silently headed out of the house, starting down the block towards his own place.

* * *

**rich (8:33 pm):** ughhhhhhhhhh  
**brookie (8:34 pm):**??  
**rich (8:34 pm):** why are soulmates a thing its so complicated  
**brookie (8:35 pm):** tell me about it  
**brookie (8:35 pm):** and you think youre over it and dont need it  
**brookie (8:35 pm):** but its hardwired in you  
**rich (8:37 pm):** exactly  
**brookie (8:37 pm):** how is he?  
**rich (8:38 pm):** really nice actually  
**rich (8:38 pm):** maybe a little distant but ya kno  
**brookie (8:39 pm):** yeah i have no clue how to bring it up with jeremy  
**brookie (8:39 pm):** considering i made a big deal about being over him  
**brookie (8:40 pm):** in a way i am but not really  
**rich (8:40 pm):** what do u mean  
**brookie (8:41 pm):** im over like that side of him and im over whatever weird unhealthy thing we had  
**brookie (8:41 pm):** but now i like him again and its more than soulmates  
**brookie (8:42 pm):** i like the new him  
**rich (8:43 pm):** you like him not inherently bc the connection but almost in spite of it  
**brookie (8:45 pm):** if youre trying to circle around to something  
**brookie (8:45 pm):** i think michael likes you as the person you are now  
**brookie (8:45 pm):** and i think hes starting to like you more than you know  
**brookie (8:46 pm):** for reasons beyond being your soulmate

* * *

Despite himself, Rich couldn’t help but believe Brooke. Even if it was only marginally. It had only been less than a month since he’d started talking to Michael and he was sure that wasn’t enough time to know anything. Though, he had invited him over and let him sleep against his shoulder. At the very least the situation had promise. At least Michael didn’t hate him. Right?

_ ‘What do you know about him? He holds grudges. He ignores problems. When it’s easy he’s going to drop you.’ _

“What do you know?” Rich huffed, keeping his gaze trained on the laundry he was putting away, voice low. “It’s not like you were in him.”

_ ‘I was connected with Jeremy’s squip. We’ve been over this. Any information Jeremy had stored on Michael I was able to gain access to.’ _

“Well.. whatever.” Rich rolled his eyes, tucking a pair of sweatpants into a drawer. “I don’t care what Jeremy knows.. or you know or whatever. I know him now.”

_ ‘You know what he shows you. I know the messy secrets that he confided in Jeremy and-’ _

Rich grabbed the sides of his head, willing his squip to stop speaking, trying to drown out its voice with his own until it backed off to the back of his head. A low noise buzzed between his ears as it partially powered down for the time being. Anything it would tell him would be a breach in Michael’s trust and even if he never knew it didn’t feel right knowing. If any of this was going to work it had to be built on trust.

And.. he wanted it to work. For the first time he admitted it to himself. It had been so easy to tell himself he wanted to be alone, that he deserved it. Now with the squip quiet, receding to the back of his head, he was able to think a little clearer. This was something he wanted, no one was telling him to do it. It felt good. It made him feel warm.

* * *

**jake (10:22 pm):** how did your plans go??  
**rich (10:34 pm):** really good honestly  
**jake (10:37 pm):** that's good!  
**rich (10:38 pm):** its mell  
**jake (10:38 pm):** oh, michael!  
**jake (10:38 pm):** he’s cool! nice you guys are talking  
**rich (10:39 pm):** yeah hes  
**rich (10:39 pm):** really cool  
**rich (10:40 pm):** i wanna hang out soon dude  
**jake (10:41 pm):** i’ll let you know when i’m free richie

* * *

Putting the last of his laundry away he sank down to sit on the floor, idly scrolling through his phone. With his squip quiet everything felt far too calm, the silence was nearly suffocating. A nervous buzz filled his chest, quiet was usually never good. He held still, listening for the telltale signs of his dad he’d gotten so used to searching for. The house was quiet, no creaking, no tv downstairs. He was fine. 

For now, at least.

In the back of his head he was aware of a dull noise, almost a hum. The silence was gone, no matter how odd it seemed, he felt like his head was more full with the squip on. Before it could tear into him again he hauled himself off the floor, turning his light off before crawling into bed. At first he planned on sleeping to keep the voices at bay, but he just wasn’t tired. He couldn’t help it, his mind drifting back to the afternoon he’d spent with Michael - besides he’d taken a nap. That didn’t help.

_ ‘What, are you going to act like a little girl with a crush?’ _

Groaning, he rolled onto his side, pulling his phone close to himself. He swiped through his spotify playlists, thinking back to the froyo trip he’d taken with Brooke, Jeremy, and Michael. He remembered looking through Michael’s music, punching in the names of songs he hadn’t known but still remembered. Saving them to a playlist he went back to his own, scrolling through whatever he’d been listening to. Wandering thoughts wondered if Michael would like any of what he listened to.

Before he could stop himself he screenshotted a few of his more indie songs, some of his more gritty music that could barely be called music. Songs by people with rough voices and harsh instruments, songs about growing up, songs about being the odd man out. Without a second thought he texted the screenshots to Michael. His usual hesitation was absent, some sleepy confidence falling over him. Nearly twenty minutes passed before he decided to give up on waiting for a response. Michael didn’t seem like someone to go to bed early, he tried not to let the embarrassment swallow him whole.

_ ‘Michael usually stays up until 2 am most nights.’ _

“Thanks,” Rich grumbled, rolling his eyes a bit.

_ ‘His lack of response is obviously a choice.’ _

Before the spiral could pull him in a notification popped up at the top of his screen.

* * *

**michael (11:36 pm):** not bad taste goranski  
**michael (11:36 pm):** i really like that 6th one you sent  
**michael (11:36 pm):** you have got the fuckin vibes dude  
**rich (11:38 pm):** oh hell yes stamp of approval  
**michael (11:38 pm):** is my approval important?  
**michael (11:38 pm):** to mr richard goranski???  
**rich (11:40 pm):** shut up!!  
**michael (11:45 pm):** yeah yeah  
**michael (11:45 pm):** we have school tomorrow asshole  
**michael (11:46 pm):** go to bed  
**rich (11:48 pm):** >:(  
**rich (11:48 pm):** night bitch  
**michael (11:49 pm):** dick >:P  
**michael (11:49 pm):** night

* * *

The week went well - it went great. Every other day Michael spent lunch with him, whether it was in the actual cafeteria or the library. It was another two weeks before Michael finally invited him out again, it was a Friday night. The summer heat was slowly dripping away as they reached the end of September. This particular Friday night was a little chilly, dropping into the fifties finally. 

_ ‘I can’t protect you from him anymore. You’re really willing to sneak out for this disgusting loser?’ _

Rich tried to block it out, wrapping the bandanna around his forehead, tying it in the back - the yellow pattern matched the flannel he slipped on over his t-shirt. He stumbled a bit as he struggled to pull on jeans, careful not to put a foot right through the tears around the knees.

_ ‘You’re going to dress up for him too? It’s nine at night, the most you’ll do is go sit in his basement. You look like a desperate asshole.’ _

“Can you shut up for, like, two minutes? Ever?” Rich threw his hands up in frustration, fighting to keep his voice low so as to not wake his dad. Despite the softness his lisp broke through, as harsh as ever.

It seemed to work well enough, the buzzing quieted until it was only marginally uncomfortable. Taking advantage of the quiet he grabbed his keys and snuck down the stairs, stepping in all the right places to keep the squeaking to a minimum. Once he made it to the bottom it was smooth sailing - he crept out the front door with no issues, breaking out into the chilly fall air. When he saw Michael’s car idling on the side of the little suburban road he threw his hands up happily, jogging towards the car. His face lit up in a grin, he couldn’t help it.

As the time passed he felt it get worse, he felt the feeling growing.

That is, the way Michael made him feel warm, made him feel like his heart could just burst. His cheeks lit up with a blush as he practically threw himself into the passenger seat.

“He’s totally passed out, I’m all clear.” With each word the lisp got a little heavier, but for once he couldn’t be bothered.

“Hell yeah, man.” With a slight grin Michael put the car in drive, pulling fully out onto the road. “What were you thinking?”

“Do you not have a plan?” Rich leaned a bit closer from where he sat, unable to bite back a short laugh. 

There was something freeing about being around Michael.

He really did have that effect on people.

“Actually.. I think I have something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me inpsired to write!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings for this chapter, if anything richs dad is referenced but nothing is said outright

It turned out that something meant driving through the backroads dotted with spaced out farms with windows down. Michael handed Rich his phone, letting him swipe through the music. The gesture was played off but Rich knew there was something behind it. Michael kept to himself, that much was apparent. When he’d started showing up to Rich’s lunch he stopped eating lunch with the others. He kept everything close, closed off. When they’d pass each other in the hall he’d often have his hood pulled up, phone held tight in his hands.

It was a gesture.

So Rich smiled and took his phone, trying to ignore the warmth settling over his face. He switched songs at will, Michael took it in stride. It was like something switched, he relaxed his shoulders, he lifted his head. Fingers drummed on the steering wheel while he bounced in his seat. This wasn’t the Michael Mell that kept his head down in the hall. Three songs in he started singing. Rich perked up, practically headbanging as he belted out lyrics with Michael. 

The buzzing in the back of his head returned but he couldn’t pick out the squip’s voice over all of their rabble.

Fighting hard to keep everything pushed down, Rich threw his head back, smiling wildly. With each day the guilt in his chest grew heavier. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could carry it.

What the fuck had he done?

It was all him. Wasn’t it? Wasn’t he the reason Michael walked with his head down? Wasn’t he the reason Michael ducked around people in the hall, the reason he held tight to his bag and kept it close as he walked? And now he had the audacity to - what? To believe that he deserved whatever this was?

The smile faltered. Just for a moment.

“Hey,” Michael’s voice was breathy as he leaned over to turn the radio down. “Do you have to go home?”

The second the words left his mouth he recoiled a bit, gripping the wheel tightly. He shook his head, wheezing out a breath as he stumbled over a response, “shit that was stupid. Ignore that. I’m gonna.. head back.”

“Hey.” Rich sat up a bit straighter, leaning forward so they could meet eyes before Michael tore his gaze away. “It’s not stupid.”

“I.. ugh. Fuck.” Michael groaned, trying to shake the nerves off. “I just say stupid shit. You can ignore it.”

“It’s.. not stupid?” Confusion creased onto Rich’s face, after a beat he rubbed at the back of his head. “I.. could come over?”

When the words left his mouth he perked up a bit, breathing out a nervous laugh. He looked up at Michael, wondering if he looked desperate. “We could play games! I might suck though, hah. When I had, uh, you know I didn’t even need a controller.”

“Okay.. honestly, no matter how shitty that fucking hivemind was.. that’s a little sick.” He tipped his head, lips quirking into a slight grin. It was enough encouragement for Rich to perk up a bit more.

“I know right!” The roads started to look familiar and Rich felt excitement bubble in his chest. For once it felt like it would boil over, there was nothing forcing him to turn it down. “Dude! What games do you have?”

“It’d be easier to list games I don’t have.” A snort of a laugh reached Rich’s ears and it only made his grin pull that much wider.

* * *

“You sure you won’t get in trouble?”

Rich didn’t like talking about himself.

“Dude, whatever.” He gave a shrug and flopped right onto Michael’s bed, pulling the bandana off his head and letting it drop onto the ground. “He probably won’t even notice I’m gone. God fuckin’ knows he’ll spend the weekend in some beer coma.”

“Shit man.” Rich didn’t have to look at him to picture the pity on his face. It was enough to make the shame start to burn in his chest again. “Well you can always come here. Dads fucking suck.”

“Huh?” Rich raised his head, watching Michael as he dropped onto the bed next to him. “You.. have a dad?”

“Well, duh,” Michael tipped his head. “I guess you wouldn’t.. yeah. My mom is my stepmom actually. But she’s more of a parent than my dad was so I just call her mom.”

“Fuckin’ dads right?” Rich arched a brow, holding Michael’s gaze.

“Hell yeah.”

* * *

Getting comfortable was easier than Rich thought. Michael’s bed was soft, his room was just the right temperature. His tv was perfectly placed so that they could slump down in the bed and still see the screen as they raced around in Mario Kart. After Michael’s third win Rich dropped his controller onto the ground, groaning and taking up as much space as he could.

“Can I say something stupid?”

_‘Everything you say is stupid, everything you-’_

“Yeah, man. Do you see who you’re talking to?” Michael gestured to himself before rolling off the bed and grabbing Rich’s controller. He finally broke eye contact to turn around and power everything down. The lack of eye contact made talking a bit easier at least.

It was something he’d been rehearsing in his head. It was still terrifying.

“My.. uh. You know.” Closing his eyes he just tapped at his head as he heard Michael approach him, hoping he was looking. “I hear it. I still.. I thought it was gone but.. It can’t do, uh, everything it did but..”

“Fuck.” Michael’s voice was low.

_‘You’ve ruined it. He doesn’t trust you. He’s going to kick you out. You’ll have to go back and see your dad and maybe-’_

A silence settled over the room and Rich heard footsteps wander away. Rich struggled to keep himself in check, he’d pretended to be strong for so long, he didn’t know how to stop.

“Rich.” The voice was commanding and when he let his eyes flutter open he saw Michael looking down at him, one hand tucked in his pocket, the other holding a bottle. “I.. you should have said something. I have, like, a backlog. I didn’t know if everyone needed to drink some so.. I just got a shit ton.”

Rich wasn’t sure what he’d expected but it wasn’t this. With a shaky breath he scrambled to sit up, fingers shook as he wrapped a hand around the bottle. Michael let go easily, tucking his hand away so now both were in his pockets.

“You’re strong, you know?” Rich nearly choked as he tipped back the bottle, taking a long drink to play on the safe side. Michael kept his eyes cast down. “Which is weird, to say that to you. I would’ve.. never thought but.. you are.”

Pain clawed its way up Rich’s throat until he was gasping. It wasn’t a pretty sight but at least it wasn’t the first time Michael was seeing it. He was barely aware of the bottle being pulled from his fingers, writhing a bit before shoving his face into the pillow, muffling his whines and gasps. After a moment he felt the bed dip, felt a hand on his back. It was the last feeling he was aware of before he felt himself just shut down.

* * *

“Rich?”

Michael’s voice edged in over the low noise he was hearing. It took him a moment to realize he was letting out a groan into the pillow where he was curled. He snapped his mouth shut, turning his head to try and see Michael. The light of the room made him squint a bit, the window was dark but the overhead light was harsh.

Any attempt at words was incomprehensible, he mumbled out a few noises, limply gesturing up at the light. Michael seemed to get the picture, giving a half jog to the wall to flip the light off. Now the only thing lighting up the room was some soft moonlight. It was nice.

“I.. do you think you’re like.. alright?” Michael strained to keep his voice low and soft, remembering when Jeremy had woken up in the hospital. “Like.. ‘don’t need to go to the hospital’ alright?”

“I think.. I’ll.. yeah.” Rich buried his face back into the pillow whining lowly. Deciding to give up on words he gave a shaky thumbs up, hearing an almost awkward, breathy laugh from Michael in response. 

“It’s like.. 3 am? Just go back to bed.” Rich couldn’t argue with that, letting his shoulders relax. Again, he felt the mattress dip and heard it creak as Michael joined him. The distance between them was closed slowly, Michael’s hand hesitantly found the top of his head. “Uh, when Jer would get bad migraines..”

The thought went unfinished and Rich let his shoulders relax, slumping. Michael was able to recognize it was an encouragement. His fingers threaded through Rich’s hair, trying to ignore how the sweat on his forehead had dampened it. Fingertips gently dragged over his scalp, rubbing slow patterns against the skin. Barely any time had passed before breathing evened out, before tension melted out from Rich’s body. The combination of the soft scent of Michael surrounding him and the gentle touch on his head was all he needed to give back in to sleep.

* * *

“Fuck.” Rich groaned, rolling on the bed to press his face deeper into the blankets and pillows around him. There was a snuffling sound and whatever had brushed against his cheek followed him, there was weight pressing down on the bed now. Something came down on his side and he let out something between a shout and a groan, blindly pushing. His hands met fur and he heard someone click their tongue and snap.

In an instant the weight jumped off the bed and Rich’s brain finally caught up - a dog. Michael had a dog. Michael had a dog?

There was the sound of a collar jingling that slowly faded away before he heard a door shut. It was safe to assume he was in the clear now, so, despite the ache that spread from his head down the back of his neck, Rich planted his hands on the mattress, lifting himself up so that he could sit. As soon as he did he missed the soft comfort, missed the shelter from the sunlight streaming through the window. He was sure he looked like shit - he felt his hair flat against his forehead, he could practically feel the weight of the bags under his eyes. 

So why was Michael looking at him like that?

“You have a dog?” It sounded a lot smoother in his head.

“Hah, yeah. Sorry about that. He’s not really allowed down here usually so if the door’s open he kinda bolts.” Michael gave a half shrug and Rich’s eyes finally focused enough to fully take him in. Not unlike his own, Michael’s hair was flat - he’d always assumed it was fluffy and curly on its own. He wondered how long Michael took styling it in the mornings and-

When there wasn’t a voice keeping him in check he realized his thoughts did a lot of wandering.

“All good dude. Headache’s fuckin’.. killer but. Yeah. Worth it.” With a mock salute he let himself droop a bit, rubbing at his face. It wasn’t as bad as the first time, at least. His head felt.. a bit lighter this time, though. When he finally let himself look at Michael again he couldn’t help the tightness in his chest. How could he have passed this up sophomore year?

Michael was without any hoodie or jacket. Rich had never wanted so badly to donate his collection of homemade tank tops to anyone - his arms jut looked so fucking soft and solid. Really, all of Michael looked soft in the best way, from his arms to his stomach to his thighs. God, his legs, his pajama pants must have been from years ago because they hugged him in a way that gave Rich the impression that they didn’t quite fit but Michael really did seem like the person to hang onto things even when he didn’t need them.

“It’s like.. definitely not morning but I got like.. breakfast? For you.” The words were enough to get Rich’s attention, drawing his eyes back up to Michael’s face. If he’d noticed he didn’t show it. “My mom made pancakes.. they’re a little cold but.. yeah?”

Homemade pancakes. Well, for all he knew it was box mix but that counted enough. He practically lived off granola bars most days. He couldn’t help it when his face lit up and he scrambled to move towards the edge of the bed, ready to meet Michael halfway. It didn’t quite work and as soon as his feet hit the ground his knees buckled. There was a quiet clink of a plate being set on a table before he felt hands up under his arms, lifting him to sit on the edge of the bed. So maybe it all took a bit more of a toll than he thought.

“Shit, man.” Michael’s voice was impossibly soft and he couldn’t stop the laugh that teetered out. “Careful. Probably should rest a bit more.”

It was all just a bit too much, the way Michael’s eyes lit up fondly, the way he looked down at him, the dimple that was present as he smiled. He took a step back once Rich was stable, reaching to grab the plate off his bedside table, mumbling something about not getting syrup everywhere. As he handed off the plate their fingers brushed, lingering a bit. He really had been missing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just some good ole fluff

Michael had let Rich eat in silence, moving around the room to tidy up to fill the time. As soon as Rich was finished Michael was on top of it, taking the plate and heading up the stairs before Rich could even try to stand. It wasn’t often that Rich found himself cared for, so he tried to just soak it in, lowering himself to lay down on the bed. His clothes were uncomfortable, still in jeans with a flannel over his shirt, but Michael’s bed was comfortable and he was achey.

“How are you?” Michael’s voice was soft, but it still jolted Rich - he hadn’t seen him come back downstairs.

“Everything hurts like hell.” Rich groaned, arms reaching out to latch onto one of the pillows, spooning it practically. “I.. it’s good, though. Worth it. Anything to have that asshole out of my head. Hopefully.. for good.”

Michael hummed thoughtfully, sitting on the bed. The space between them was a little awkward but Rich just kept his face against the pillow. There was a sigh and a thump as Michael gave in and just flopped down, though he kept nearly a foot between himself and Rich’s curled up body. “Could.. is there anything I could, uh? Yeah.”

“You’ve already..” Rich bit his tongue, waiting for the voice to berate him, to tell him he was doing or saying too much. “You’ve done so much for me. More than I deserve.”

There was a beat of silence and he felt himself deflate, nuzzling further into the pillow. He knew he made the right choice but it was so hard to do things on his own.

“Rich,” Michael sighed, reaching out a hand to tentatively settle on his shoulder. “You.. yeah. You deserve to be cared about, Rich. I know that.. no one takes one of those things for the hell of it. And.. your dad. Sure, you fucked up but.. you’re a person.”

“I.. guess.” Rich let out a shuddering sigh, leaning into the touch. “Feel like shit, though.”

“That’s why we just work on it.” After a second of quiet he heard the mattress creak and felt a body pressed against his back. “We’re.. soulmates. So we just work on it.”

Michael’s touch drove him crazy, it instantly made his shoulders relax. He hadn’t even realized he was clenching his jaw until he melted back against Michael’s chest. At their contact he let his eyes flutter open and he swore the colors around them got just a bit brighter. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

* * *

At some point they fell asleep, lost in each other’s lazy warmth. For once Rich’s dreams were comfortable and soft. 

“You awake?” Michael’s voice was slurred with sleep, his breath warm on the back of Rich’s neck.

“Yeah.. finally,” Rich’s words fell out with a weak laugh, breathy and tired. “Tired as fuck but.. don’t think I could sleep much longer.”

With a groan Michael pushed himself up until he was sitting, rubbing at his face as Rich rolled onto his back. For a moment he just looked up, watching him. He couldn’t help but be a little mesmerized.

“Want me to grab Advil or anything?”

“I.. think I’ll be alright.” Finally Rich pushed himself up as well, rubbing at his temples. “It’s not as bad as last time at least. And I’m not stuck in a full body cast.”

“Do you.. could I?” Michael’s brow furrowed and he turned a bit to face the other now, hesitantly holding out his arms. Rich knew Michael was touchy - but he was also picky. He’d observed it first hand, seeing how he interacted with Jeremy, he wasn’t as touchy with anyone else. His squip had also liked informing him of all the little things, telling Rich how Michael would never be comfortable around him. He wished he could flip it off, he hoped that it could see this from whatever little hell it fucked off to.

“Yeah,” it was practically just a sigh, scooting forward to all but collapse against his chest. It was a bit nicer than spooning, this way he could breathe in everything about Michael. He’d finally gotten around to reading up some on soulmates, looking at everything he’d ignored for so long, and he couldn’t help but think about it now. From what he’d found soulmates smelled different to each other, they almost  _ felt _ different, too. A hug from Michael was unlike any of the few hugs he’d ever gotten before and he smelled  _ good.  _ As he breathed in he caught a warm scent, underneath he could start to pick up more tones - cinnamon, something sweet, maybe something a little spicy.

“You smell like.. wood. Like pine? You smell like a forest.” Michael’s voice was low, mumbled against Rich’s shoulder. “Uh, sorry. I.. ugh. Ignore me.”

There was a sheepishness in his tone, Rich recognized it, the nerves that followed speaking without a filter.

“You smell like baking. Gingerbread cookies. You just smell warm.” Rich decided to meet him halfway with no one holding him back anymore. It was enough to pull a soft laugh from Michael, his arms held him a bit tighter. His hands rubbed over Rich’s back. It was overwhelming and he bit his tongue to stop himself from crying. How touch starved was he?

“Sorry,” Michael breathed out an awkward laugh, slowly pulling away. “God.. it’s so weird.”

Rich couldn’t help but wince a bit, grimacing. He rubbed at his arms, leaning back to put more distance between them as he spoke, “yeah.. I’m sorry. About.. all of.. everything.”

“I..” Michael looked over him, furrowing his brows before letting himself relax. “Just hug me again, idiot.”

That was enough for Rich, he shuffled a bit to basically collapse against Michael’s chest, relishing the quiet laugh he was met with. It was like all his pain melted away, all the aches that crept down his spine. All the aching in his chest. All the worries about having to go home, about having to face school, of having to function without anyone else in his head. It was all gone. He curled his fingers into the fabric of Michael’s shirt, letting his head drop to rest on his shoulder.

When was the last time he’d been held? The last time he let himself be held? The last time he’d let anyone see him soft? The last time he’d  _ felt  _ soft?

“How’re you feeling?” It caught him off guard, it wasn’t exactly a question he was used to hearing.

“If I felt like I was missing part of myself before..” Rich snorted out a bitter laugh, let his eyes fall shut as he kept himself pressed against Michael. “I got that shit right before sophomore year.. it controls your whole life. Even after the play.. it wasn’t quite gone. I guess mine was.. established on its own before it synced up with Jeremy’s. So it..?”

“It held on a bit,” Michael supplied, shifting his grip to practically pull Rich into his lap. They let the silence settle over them after that, simply holding onto each other.

Maybe it’d all work out.

* * *

“Hey asshole, thought you couldn’t sleep more?” Michael’s hands were as soft as his voice, rousing Rich from another impromptu nap.

“Fuck,” he grumbled, rubbing at his face with the heels of his hands. With a grunt he pushed himself up, climbing out of the spot he’d been occupying in Michael’s lap.

“It was only like 15 minutes, I’m teasing,” the words were followed with a quiet snort and Rich couldn’t help the way it made his chest tighten.

“Asshole,” there was no malice there. In fact, if Michael strained he’d be able to hear a poorly masked fondness. With an amused huff he rolled off the bed, wobbling for a second before gaining his footing. “Can’t believe you’d complain about getting napped on by the one and only,” there was a pause as he raised his arms with a flourish, “Richard Goranski.”

“No one said I was complaining.”

There was something in his tone that made Rich’s face heat up - since when did Mell know how to flirt? Without meaning to, he realized he was waiting for a response from the back of his head. A response he wouldn’t have to wait for anymore. Instead he barked out a short laugh, rubbing sweaty palms off on his jeans. 

I.. should, uh,” the blush was still dusted over Rich’s cheeks, only barely masked by the discoloration of his scarring. He jerked a thumb behind him, pushing his feet into his shoes. “Not that I think my dad noticed I was gone.. yeah.”

“I’ll see you?” Michael scrambled up, eerily in tune with Rich’s subtle mood drop. “Text me? Maybe the one and only,” Michael took his own pause, gesturing towards him, “Richard Goranski would maybe ask me on a date?”

Michael’s smirk sent a shock through his system and,  _ wow,  _ he was really not used to being on the other side of these sorts of exchanges. He tried to recover, shoving his hands in his pockets, “what’s included in the full Michael Mell package?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Goranski,” Michael tossed a smile backwards as he led the way up the stairs. “Did.. you want a ride?”

“I’m fine,” Rich flashed a quick smile, brushing him off. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle being around Michael for much longer without being able to kiss him. It was so overwhelming and amazing at the same time. Michael was right - he couldn’t get too ahead of himself.

Even after Michael opened the door they paused, looking at each other. After a second Michael reached out, giving his shoulder a lingering pat before messing up his hair. He leaned on the doorframe, grinning crookedly, “maybe the Mell package could include some hand holding?”

“I’ll text you!” Rich couldn’t help but feel a little giddy, practically jogging down the driveway before looking back to wave goodbye.

As he walked home he couldn’t keep the slight spring from his step - he never thought he’d be so happy to basically land himself back where he’d been freshman year. Maybe he couldn’t get a girlfriend, maybe he wasn’t the biggest blip on the social map anymore but.. but maybe he could have a boyfriend, maybe he could have quality friendships over quantity. No more voices, no more pretending. 

The world was full of color and it felt  _ good.  _ If he focused he could almost swear that a faint hint of cinnamon clung to him. His head felt clear, he felt like he could breathe a little better. Even the thought of going back home to his dad couldn’t bring him down. For once things were looking up and he didn’t need a computer to get there. 

Maybe it was a little desperate but he pulled his phone out before he even got through his front door, surveying the scene for his dad before letting himself relax. As he hurried up the stairs he typed a message on his phone.

* * *

**rich (3:21 pm):** what abt a mall date mell  
**rich (3:21 pm):** good old fashioned window shopping and shitty food court cuisine  
**michael (3:23 pm):** dude literally perfect  
**michael (3:23 pm):** u can meet my spencers hookup  
**michael (3:24 pm):** hes supposed to be getting me 7up gold  
**rich (3:25 pm):** is this like second base for u lmao  
**michael (3:26 pm):** dont diss the soda dude!!  
**rich (3:26 pm):** fine fineee whats 7up gold  
**michael (3:27 pm):** 7up w caffeine!  
**rich (3:28 pm):** what makes it gold??  
**michael (3:28 pm):** i dont know!!!!  
**michael (3:28 pm):** thats why its exciting!!!

* * *

Rich couldn’t help but snort out a laugh, glancing at his phone as he kicked off his jeans to change his clothes. He ended up sitting on the floor, in boxers and a shirt, smiling down at his phone. It was odd, to think for himself. To think without guilt. He was going to go on a date with a pretty boy, he was going to hold his hand, he was going to be happy without analyzing his every step. And no one could make him feel guilty. No one was going to take this away from him - again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me going! i also started a roleswap au fic where michael takes a squip so check it out ;p


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluffy boys,,,, thats all i got

A date. He had a date. Richard Goranski had a date. With Michael Mell. No matter how many times he thought it, he couldn’t calm the pattering of his heart. And why would he want to? There were no voices to make him guilty anymore.

Another week of school down, another week closer to the fall break. Another week he got to spend with Michael. 

It was a lazy sunday, his dad was passed out in the recliner in the living room, some sports channel droning on. Rich paid it no mind as he slipped out the front door, jogging down the driveway. The PT Cruiser was already there, pulled up to the side of the street, he couldn’t help but grin as he all but threw himself into the passenger seat.

“So, do I gotta wait until we get to the mall, or,” Rich drew it out in an almost sing-song tone, holding out his hand. Michael glanced between his face and the extended hand before snorting out a laugh and lacing their fingers together. Any other teasing words died on Rich’s lips and he breathed out an almost amazed laugh, squeezing Michael’s hand a little tighter. They fit together perfectly.

“You’re so weird,” Michael mumbled, pulling away from the curb and starting down the road.

“Coming from you.” Rich relaxed back into his seat, focusing on the warmth of Michael’s hand.

* * *

Their grip only broke so Rich could get out of the car. He practically scampered around the car to Michael’s side, connecting their hands again. He really couldn’t get enough.

“Stop one,” Michael led him through the front doors, steering them towards the escalators. “7up Gold.”

“Stop two?” Rich quirked a brow, stepping onto the escalator with him.

“Look at weird weeb shit in HotTopic?”

Rich snorted out a laugh, following Michael towards Spencer’s. He squeezed his hand a bit tighter, letting his head lightly bump his shoulder. “I think I like the sound of that.”

When they got into the store Rich couldn’t help but laugh a bit, looking between the odd assortment of items as they passed through the back of the store.

“Wait, holy shit they have sex toys?” Rich fought to keep himself from losing it in the middle of Michael’s little business deal. “What kind of store is this?”

“Did you not know that? Lava lamps, shot glasses, weed memorabilia, sex toys. They got it all.” Michael bit back his own laugh as he looked down at him, nudging him with his shoulder as they slipped into the back room. “Okay, gimme my hand.”

With a dramatic eye roll Rich dropped his hand, succeeding in his quest of getting Michael to let out that breathy chuckle he did. He shoved his hands in his pockets, glancing around as Michael pulled some cash from his wallet in exchange for a Spencer’s bag with some bottles in it. It definitely felt like a drug deal and Rich wasn’t sure if he should be amused or uncomfortable.

“Let’s go, asshole,” the soft words drew him from his thoughts and he quickly grabbed the outstretched hand in front of him.

* * *

“Unironically though,” Rich was speaking quickly as he practically hung off Michael’s arm, “their coats kinda slap.”

“Yeah for like 80 fuckin’ dollars though,” Michael grumbled, flipping over a pricetag. Ah yes, HotTopic: if you find anything remotely cool it’s twice your budget.

“I don’t even want to know how much you spend on your sodas.”

“I.. alright, fair play.” Another one of those breathy laughs and Michael shifted, settling his arm around Rich’s shoulders. Rich, who felt like he could black out from the pure tenderness of the gesture. 

They stayed like that for nearly 15 minutes, footsteps syncing up as they wandered the store. Rich would pull on Michael’s hoodie to make him stop before gesturing up to some dumb shirt up on the wall. He’d make some comment about buying it for Jeremy and they’d both laugh.

“This is nice.” It was mumbled and Rich almost didn’t catch it.

“Huh?” They both knew he’d heard and Rich plastered on a crooked grin as he looked up at Michael.

“Being with you.” For once Michael actually seemed to get flustered, turning his head away as they made their way out of the store, pulling his arm away so he could grab Rich’s hand again. “Being with you and knowing the universe meant for us to be together?”

“That’s so fucking cute, Mell,” Rich’s eyes lit up as he tugged on Michael’s hand until he turned back so they could meet eyes. They both broke into quiet snorts of laughter before Rich started pulling him across the mall.

“Where are we going?” The grin was still stuck on Michael’s face and Rich felt his heart light up.

“‘s a surprise.”

* * *

“Build-A-Bear frog, Build-A-Bear frog,” Rich continued his quiet chant as he pulled Michael into the store, pointing to the display where the stuffed animal was propped up, dressed in a little outfit. “Mikey, we need him.”

It felt good to be part of a ‘we’.

“You’re lucky you’re really fucking cute,” as soon as he said it, Michael’s cheeks flushed a bit and he tugged Rich towards the bins full of the unstuffed plushies. A lopsided grin crossed Rich’s face and he pressed his face against Michael’s shoulder to try and hide how giddy it had made him.

Instead of dwelling too much, Michael reached down and grabbed one of the frogs, heading over towards the employee who was going to stuff it for them. When asked about the preferred firmness Rich received a light elbow to the side for his snickering while Michael shrugged and gave a so-so motion with his hand. When he looked down at Rich he swore there was a little spark between them, “you gotta step on the pedal, I’m paying.”

When it came time to give the little guy a heart, Rich picked out a checkered one, holding it up to Michael for a confirmation and then going a deep red when the employee told him he had to make a wish on it. At least she wasn’t making him do all the other silly things they made kids do, warming it up, jumping around with it, blowing on it. He was sure he would have died from embarrassment. It was the least he could do, raising the little heart up to his face and letting his eyes close. He took a slow breath, taking it a bit more seriously than Michael would have thought.

_ ‘Michael.’  _ It was broad and pretty incoherent, but what could he say? It was Michael. Michael was his wish. Being with him, holding him, being held, going on dates. Some might say he wasted the wish - they  _ were  _ soulmates. But ‘soulmates’ wasn’t a free pass, he had to put in the effort. He had to  _ choose  _ Michael. That was his promise and wish.

As soon as the heart was tucked into the stuffed animal they made their way to all the clothes, giggling over the idea of putting him in a rabbit suit or.. a carrot costume! Rich wheezed with laughter at that one.

“Okay, that’s.. really fucking good,” Michael said between laughs, holding onto Rich’s hand tightly, “but we should get him something serious.”

“What about this?” Rich reached forward to grab an outfit - a blue onesie covered in little dinosaurs.

“Holy fucking shit,” Michael took it from him and they separated their hands, facing each other so he could hold it up to the frog. “This is so fucking cute.”

Rich dissolved into a small fit of laughter, cradling the frog to his chest as they headed towards one of the little dress up stations. If he’d looked up he probably would have melted from the look Michael was giving him - impossibly soft and dripping with tenderness.

After naming him and paying, they took their leave, noticing how late it was.

“Shit, should probably head home?” Rich couldn’t help his expression falling into disappointment as soon as he said it.

“Yeah,” Michael sighed a bit, pulling him back to the mall entrance. “Promised my moms I’d be home for dinner.”

“You wanna keep him for the night?” Rich glanced at the frog he cradled with one of his arms, swinging their connected hands a bit. They didn’t bother with a box since he really was criminally huggable. 

“Are you implying you wanna see me again tomorrow?”

“Maybe.”

* * *

Michael pulled up on Rich’s street far too soon for their liking, parking along the curb outside his house. They both sat still for a minute, Rich holding onto the frog in his lap. His fingers absentmindedly drew patterns in the stuffed animal’s fluff.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Michael finally broke the silence.

“After school?” There was something hopeful in Rich’s voice that made Michael grin.

“Of course, dummy,” there was a breathy laugh that followed it. A crooked grin cropped up on Rich’s face and he glanced towards his house before reaching over to hold onto one of Michael’s hands.

“This was really ni-”

“Hey, could I, uh-”

They both started talking at the same time, trailing off into a quiet laughter while they both flushed darkly.

“Go ahead,” Rich breathed out, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest.

“Could I kiss you?”

Michael Mell must have been trying to  _ kill  _ him because he suddenly felt lightheaded, breath catching. He couldn’t help but smile, letting out a noise caught between a wheeze and a squeak, raising a shaky hand to his face in a failed attempt to hide how red he was. “Uh-huh. Yes. Fuck, yes. Please?”

They both broke into another fit of laughter before Michael leaned closer, raising his free hand to settle against Rich’s cheek. Rich could feel the shakiness there and he couldn’t help but wonder if this was Michael’s first kiss. They both froze, lips only inches apart.

“I’ve never, hah!” Michael barked out a nervous laugh, tipping his head so their foreheads touched.

“Me.. I mean, I’ve never kissed someone I actually  _ wanted _ to.” There had been a few moments with random girls, always suggested by his squip.

“Do you want to kiss me?” Michael’s voice was breathy, warm against Rich’s lips.

“More.. than anything,” Rich mumbled in return, letting his eyes flutter shut.

That must have been enough because the last of the space between them was gone and Michael was  _ kissing him  _ and - wow. His hand that wasn’t clutching Michael’s raised to rest against his chest. He could feel the heartbeat pounding underneath it and smiled against Michael’s lips.

They must have been at it for a few minutes because when they separated they were both breathless, though it had only felt like a few moments. They both broke into laughter again before Rich grabbed his shirt and pulled him in for another quick peck. 

“Okay, okay,” Michael spoke against Rich’s lips, holding back more laughter. “I gotta go home.”

“I could do that forever,” as soon as he said it Rich shrunk back a bit, blushing darkly.

“Tomorrow,” Michael promised, smiling widely.

“Tomorrow,” Rich agreed, reluctantly moving to get out of the car. He set the Build-A-Bear on his recently vacated seat and paused, thinking for a moment. With a grin he leaned back into the car, pressing one more kiss to Michael’s lips. “I.. see ya.”

Michael just laughed a bit, cheeks lighting up. “See ya.”

Rich couldn’t help but feel giddy and a little breathless as he headed up to his door. Highly aware of the fact Michael hadn’t pulled away from the curb yet, he kept himself from  _ skipping  _ up the driveway. Taking a deep breath he steadied himself before heading through the front door, maybe not as quietly as he usually did.

His heart was still pounding a bit and he rubbed at his cheeks as he practically kicked his shoes off, not particularly concerned with the fact the living room light was on.

Even though it usually wasn’t - at least not on sundays around this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world! <3
> 
> i dont know how many people are really reading these stories or how big 'writing commissions' even are but i am willing to write one shots or even multi chapters for anyone who may donate to charities rn in support of the blm movement in america, really any amount. if interested contact me on my tumblr, antpelts. stay safe everyone. <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings; reference child abuse. nothing is explicity depicted but rich is a little injured after. the rest of the chapter is pretty fluffy

“Oh,” Michael breathed out a laugh that Rich would almost describe as  _ manic  _ as he frantically paced, throwing his arms in the air. “I’ll beat his ass!”

With a shuddering sigh, Rich crumpled a bit, holding the plush frog close to his chest. This really wasn’t how he imagined his Monday morning going. “Can.. you lower your voice?”

Michael wasn’t necessarily shouting but the harsh edge in his tone made Rich flinch a bit.

“I,” Michael stopped his pacing, shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry.”

There was nothing to say to that. So Rich was quiet. He crossed his ankles and stared at the rumpled comforter next to him on Michael’s bed. School started in an hour but Rich hadn’t gotten any sleep. As soon as his dad left for work he was out of the house, nearly running all the way to Michael’s. He’d been annoyed at first, understandably so, considering it was around six in the morning and Rich was tapping on his window. All the frustration had melted away when he saw the swollen lip. Then he saw the bruise on his side. Rich tried to assure him that it could’ve been worse, at least he didn’t have a black eye. That just seemed to set Michael off.

“What..” Michael turned around, making his way back to sit next to Rich on the edge of the bed. “What do.. Can I do anything?”

Rich just shook his head. His first  _ real  _ kiss was supposed to be something to be happy about. He should have been more careful, he should have known that someone could’ve.. someone  _ had  _ seen them.

“We.. uh. Wanna skip?”

There were a lot of things they could talk about. A lot of logistics because, well, Rich was sure his dad wouldn’t let him out of the house besides school. Sure, he was already used to sneaking out half of the time but.. the stakes just raised a bit. But he wasn’t going to let that keep him from Michael. They just needed to be a bit more careful.

“Yeah.” 

It wasn’t the  _ best  _ idea but it was the one Rich liked the most. He’d been working on getting better at school and maybe it wasn’t the time to start skipping again.. but how could he say no?

“Let’s.. go get breakfast at least. Have you slept?”

Rich just shook his head and Michael’s expression fell a bit. With a short sigh he stood and turned, pulling Rich up by his hands so that he was standing before wrapping him in a hug.

“Thanks,” he mumbled against Michael’s shoulder, eyes falling shut.

“‘s chilly out, isn’t it?” Michael’s face creased a bit as Rich nodded. He looked him over, a t-shirt and jeans. “Here, take this.”

Rich sputtered a bit as the hoodie was pushed into his hands -  _ the  _ hoodie. The very same hoodie that Michael Mell had worn almost daily for the last three years of high school. Almost as if he thought Michael would change his mind, he tugged it on quickly, as if it would be taken back if he hesitated too long. It was overwhelming, he tried not to look too obvious as he just took in the warm scent of it.

“Let’s go.” Michael’s voice was soft and Rich wanted to get lost in it.

* * *

They tried to forget about everything they were going to have to face over some pancakes.

“If.. it gets to be..” Michael trailed off for a moment, waving one of his hands around to convey what he was trying to say. “You could, like, stay with me.”

Rich dropped his gaze to the stack of pancakes in front of him, dragging his fork through the syrup. His throat felt tight.

“We’re.. soulmates,” Michael’s expression was impossibly soft. The word made Rich’s breath catch. It was still crazy to think about, to acknowledge. “I gotta look out for you.”

“But I was so..” Rich deflated in defeat, using his fork to cut up some of the pancakes.

“Well.. fuck it.” Michael shrugged, poking at a stray blueberry that had rolled off his own pancakes. “I don’t care about that shit anymore. I care about now.”

Rich just nodded slowly, taking a bite of his pancakes so he wouldn’t have to formulate any sort of response. 

They ate in silence for a bit, after a minute Michael shifted in his seat and bumped his foot against Rich’s. When they met eyes he flashed a tense smile before he hooked his ankle with Rich’s. He took a slow breath before he started talking again, “we’re gonna figure this out. Eventually.”

**brookie (12:46 pm):** are you alright? jer said he hasnt seen u or michael??  
**rich (12:47 pm):** oo u talking to jer?  
**rich (12:48 pm):** we skipped  
**rich (12:48 pm):** dont tell anyone but mell cuddles are well worth it  
**brookie (12:50 pm):** well.. yes? weve been talking? its been really nice actually  
**brookie (12:50 pm):** did you really skip to cuddle with your bf?  
**rich (12:51 pm):** were not……………. i dunno  
**rich (12:51 pm):** dad stuff happened  
**rich (12:51 pm):** so ive been at michaels all day  
**brookie (12:52 pm):** are you okay?  
**rich (12:53 pm):** ehh  
**rich (12:53 pm):** mikes lookin after me tho  
**rich (12:54 pm):** dont worry

“Hm?” Michael lifted his head and hummed sleepily. Napping. Right, they were trying to nap. Rich set his phone down and rolled to press his cheek to Michael’s chest.

“Brooke asked why we weren’t at school.”

Michael smiled a bit, sinking back into the pillow with a soft laugh, breath barely rustling Rich’s hair. “I guess we should’ve given people a heads up.”

Rich hummed softly, reaching out around Michael to grab the stuffed frog pressed to his side.

“Hey,” Michael mumbled sleepily. “He was keepin’ my arm warm. You got my hoodie.”

Rich couldn’t help but dream of the future, where he’d be free. He wouldn’t have to worry about eventually going home. The sunlight would cross his face and wake him up in  _ his  _ home and Michael would whisper to him in that sleepy voice. It was crazy, really. Ironically, he couldn’t imagine a life without a soulmate anymore. Sure, him and Michael weren’t exactly  _ there  _ yet, he couldn’t just say that he loved him because.. he wasn’t there yet. But he  _ could  _ say, with a decent amount of certainty, that he didn’t have to be afraid that Michael wasn’t the one. Maybe that was selfish. Some people didn’t have soulmates - were they destined for sadness? No. Maybe? It wasn’t his question to answer. All he knew was that he was starting to realize that he could be happy, that he was allowed to be. No matter how long it took to get to that love, that  _ real  _ full love, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if it took months or years. Because they were given each other, the universe offered their hands up and Rich finally took it. As long as he didn’t let go he was handed a future worth waiting for.

It was odd, knowing exactly who he was going to fall in love with.

Yeah, there were crazy situations all over the world because not everyone fit the formula but.. He sort of felt it, in his chest. A nice warm feeling.

“Earth to Rich?”

“Hmm?” Rich blinked and just snuggled closer to Michael’s chest, curling around their frog plush. “No way, dude. Mr. Green is mine now.”

* * *

They slept for most of the afternoon. Maybe it was boring, but they were happy. Wasn’t that all that mattered?

“You up?” Michael’s voice sounded heavy. Sleepy. It was cute.

“Mhm.” Rich sighed, rolling onto his back. Michael’s arm was warm against the back of his neck. “I should head home. In case he comes home early.”

The response he got was almost disappointed in nature, a short sigh huffed into the still air.

Rich gave it another few minutes before he pushed himself up to sit. He tucked the frog plush to the place he’d be laying and Michael instinctively curled his arm around it. One of his eyes cracked open and he looked up at Rich.

“I can drive you?”

“I’ll walk,” Rich said softly, leaning down to press a few kisses over Michael’s face. “Thanks though.”

“Sure?”

Rich couldn’t help but keep kissing him, he looked and sounded so sleepy in the cutest way. Kisses drifted until Rich was nuzzling at his shoulders and pressing his lips across his upper chest. Suddenly he paused before tilting his head and biting Michael’s shoulder. Not even in a sexy way. More like a cat who got annoyed that you kept poking at its paw pads. Immediately after, Rich leaned back, cackling to himself. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“You suck.” But Michael was laughing too, rubbing at his shoulder and looking up at Rich in  _ that  _ way. For good measure he leaned down and pressed one last real kiss to his lips.

“Can I.. uh,” he stumbled through the words, remembering his conversation with Brooke.

“Hm?”

“Would you, uh, wanna be my boyfriend?” The words fell from his mouth quickly, sort of tumbling into each other.

“‘f course, dummy.” Michael’s lips pulled into a lopsided grin, eyes already starting to droop shut again. The sun cutting through the window was comfortably warm and Rich couldn’t blame him. If he hadn’t managed to climb off the bed he probably would have fallen back asleep too. After a beat he sighed and slowly pulled off Michael’s hoodie - it was probably best to not wear it home.

“Text me.”

* * *

While nothing really went wrong it still didn’t mean things were good. Rich was able to get home with no issue, immediately closing himself in his room. He had enough of a stash of water bottles and snacks to wait out the storm which, sadly, became normal. Besides, if he was able to keep himself quiet and closed off it would blow over quicker. Sad but.. he learned to adapt.

At least now he had someone he could talk to without worry. Sure, he’d had friends before but it was mostly superficial. He was working on fixing all of that. Until then he had Michael. Despite the circumstances he curled up on his bed with a smile. Less than a year to go. Less than a year and he could get out of this hellhole.

**michael (5:22 pm):** doing alright?  
**rich (5:23 pm):** as much as i can  
**rich (5:23 pm):** rather have you here tho  
**michael (5:25 pm):** want me to climb in your window like some cheesy fanfic  
**rich (5:25 pm):** ha  
**rich (5:26 pm):** i dont want anythin to happen to u  
**rich (5:27 pm):** i kno how to deal with this should be fine in like a week  
**rich (5:27 pm):** back to ‘’’’’’normal’’’’’ at least  
**michael (5:28 pm):** offer still stands my moms wouldnt mind u here  
**rich (5:29 pm):** i love ur dog but ill be alright  
**rich (5:29 pm):** dont wanna rock the boat n shit ya kno  
**rich (5:30 pm):** after graduation im free  
**rich (5:30 pm):** or maybe my 18th?  
**michael (5:31 pm):** well talk about it later?  
**michael (5:34 pm):** hey  
**michael (5:34 pm):** look at this

Rich tapped on the link Michael sent and couldn’t help but breathe out a short laugh. It was some TikTok compilation. He rolled onto his side as he watched the video, relishing the warm feeling in his chest. It was strange to be understood by someone. Someone else might’ve pushed, might’ve driven Rich to get defensive or avoidant. Michael seemed to just get him.

**rich (6:01 pm):** ay bitch  
**rich (6:01 pm):** whats up with brooke  
**jeremy (6:03 pm):** im DUMB  
**jeremy (6:03 pm):** did you know?  
**rich (6:04 pm):**?  
**jeremy (6:04 pm):** her and i are soulmates  
**rich (6:05 pm):** took ya long enough  
**jeremy (6:06 pm):** were going on a date this weekend  
**jeremy (6:06 pm):** i feel so dumb shes way too nice to me  
**rich (6:07 pm):** well u arent the only idiot  
**jeremy (6:08 pm):**?  
**rich (6:09 pm):** shit hold on

**rich (6:09 pm):** uh hey  
**rich (6:10 pm):** jer figured out his shit with brooke  
**rich (6:10 pm):** am i uh good to tell him were together?  
**michael (6:11 pm):** yeah i didnt know if youd be alright with it  
**rich (6:12 pm):** michael mikey mike  
**rich (6:12 pm):** i dont care abt that shit anymore  
**rich (6:12 pm):** we can tell anyone  
**michael (6:13 pm):** how sweet  
**rich (6:13 pm):** im serious tho  
**rich (6:14 pm):** serious about being with you  
**michael (6:15 pm):** i kno  
**michael (6:15 pm):** ur cute  
**michael (6:15 pm):** idiot ;p  
**rich (6:16 pm):** >:p  
**rich (6:16 pm):** ur cuter for the record

**jeremy (6:10 pm):**??  
**rich (6:16 pm):** ALRIGHT  
**rich (6:17 pm):** me n michael  
**rich (6:17 pm):** i was a dumb idiot  
**jeremy (6:18 pm):** holy shit  
**jeremy (6:18 pm):** so were both kinda dumb  
**jeremy (6:19 pm):** im assuming it worked out?  
**rich (6:20 pm):** ; )  
**jeremy (6:20 pm):** obligatory best friend speech  
**jeremy (6:21 pm):** better be good to him this time  
**rich (6:22 pm):** loud and clear  
**rich (6:22 pm):** being squip free helps  
**rich (6:22 pm):** and you better be good to brooke this time  
**rich (6:23 pm):** shes like sunshine personified  
**jeremy (6:24 pm):** she is!  
**jeremy (6:24 pm):** are we just gonna compliment our soulmates now  
**rich (6:25 pm):** oh dont tempt me ill write u an essay on him heere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me inspired


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this chapter is a little messy! its a bunch of little snapshots of them over the course of two days instead of longer big scenes 
> 
> warning for implied panic attacks/nightmares

Soulmates were complicated, Rich decided. Maybe it was a no brainer, but there was power in admitting things. (That was something he also decided.)

Rich still couldn’t bring himself to ask Michael if they were  _ boyfriends  _ despite the fact that Jeremy regularly texted him to ask how his  _ boyfriend  _ and him were. Instead of getting into it Rich would just text back and ask how Jeremy’s girlfriend was. It seemed to get the point across.

“All good?” Michael’s voice was low, as if he was scared of them getting caught. He’d started parking against the curb halfway down the block and on the other side of the street to pick Rich up. Rich had started sneaking out his window.

“Mhm,” Rich tossed his backpack in the backseat of the car before getting in and buckling. It was a thursday and normally Michael wouldn’t go out of his way to invite Rich over on a school night.. but it was Halloween. The whole afternoon he’d felt twitchy and been pacing, finally cracking and texting Rich just passed six. He couldn’t sneak out until seven. “I couldn’t fit pajamas  _ and _ tomorrow’s clothes  _ and  _ school shit, though. So I’m stealing from you.”

“You already steal my pajamas. And by pajamas I mean clothes.”

Rich just laughed, leaning back into his seat as Michael drove the short distance to his place. He could have easily made Rich walk, it wasn’t far. 

It was the little things.

* * *

“D’your moms know I’m over?” In their eyes Rich was just a friend, but he couldn’t find himself too bothered. Their relationship had been relatively private the whole time, ever since around late August. Two months felt simultaneously like nothing and a lifetime.

“Nah. They’re at mom’s Halloween work party all night.” Rich nodded his acknowledgement and kept his shoes on instead of kicking them off in the entryway. “Have you eaten today?”

With a grimace Rich waved his hand with a so-so motion. It had been one of the days they didn’t eat lunch together and Rich barely managed to keep down a bag of chips. Michael’s expression softened and he let his hand brush over the small of Rich’s back as he slipped past him, into the kitchen, after shutting the door.

“I got pizza,” Michael called back to him, urging Rich to follow the voice over to the kitchen, setting his backpack on the ground. After a moment he reached over to the now opened pizza box to grab a lukewarm slice. He hadn’t noticed the tenseness in his shoulders until Michael leaned to rest his chin on one of them. The touch had him relaxing nearly instantly. They’d seemed to have found their rhythm.

“Bet I could eat more pizza than you.”

“I.. already ate?” The amusement was apparent in Michael’s tone.

“Yeah, and you didn’t even eat half of this pizza.”

“Are you just trying to ask me if you can finish the pizza?”

“Maybe.”

* * *

Rich decided he could believe in the power of positive associations because, while the word  _ Halloween  _ still made his chest tighten.. he was able to take a breath and relax back against Michael as they watched another cheesy Halloween movie. 

It was definitely nicer than having a panic attack and feeling like his throat was closing up.

They were already onto  _ Return to Halloweentown  _ before Michael opened his mouth again.

“Hey.” 

Rich shifted where he was half laying against Michael’s lap, looking up at him in the low light. “Hey.”

When they met eyes Michael’s gaze flickered away, back towards the tv. Rich just scrunched up his face a bit before doing the same. Movies were a lot more fun in color.

“You said you didn’t care about telling people.” It was a plain statement and Rich almost didn’t answer him, the whole exchange had happened over a week ago.

“Right.”

“But we haven’t really..” Michael trailed off, scrunching up his nose a little. Something Rich had come to learn was that Michael valued communication a lot for someone who was messy when it came to talking about feelings. Though, he had to admit that was fair. Rich was the same.

“Are you gonna ask me to be your boyfriend?”

“C’mon, man.” Rich felt Michael’s chest move underneath him as he laughed a bit. “Respect the dramatic build up.”

“Okay, okay,” it was spoken between breathy laughs. “Sorry.”

“Alright.” They both were quiet for a moment before bursting out into another fit of laughter. Michael spoke up again as he tried to catch his breath. “Seriously. Okay. Okay.” Another breath, steadying himself. “Rich. Rich Goranski. Would you do me the honor.. of being my boyfriend?”

“Dramatic pauses? Really?” Rich barked out another laugh as Michael swatted at him. “Yes! Yes! Duh.”

Michael didn’t need to vocalize a response, Rich was sitting up and turning so he could press their lips together.

* * *

Rich was too preoccupied with digging through the pile of clothes in Michael’s closet to hear the inevitable joke he made about sexuality. He just rolled his eyes and pulled out a pair of sweatpants, pushing off his jeans before pulling the more comfortable pants on. Rolling up the waistband was practically useless because the pant legs still reached long enough to cover his feet. He felt Michael’s eyes on him and he could picture him, laying on his bed, watching Rich lazily. It made him smile. 

“What’s this?” Rich was already pulling off his shirt and tugging on the longsleeve he’d found in the back of Michael’s closet. “Never seen you wear this.”

“Hmm?”

Spinning around Rich held out his arms, looking down at the print on the shirt while waving his arms to accentuate how the sleeves reached past his fingertips. “This is cute.”

“Oh.” Michael’s voice faltered and he cleared his throat, eyes stuck on the bold green lettering across the shirt.  _ CREEPS.  _ His face creased in an expression Rich couldn’t quite read. “Looks good on you. If you want it.”

“Want it?” Rich scrunched up his face, stepping over the mess of laundry to make his way to where Michael was laying on the bed. “It looks like.. brand new?”

“Yeah.” Michael rolled onto his back, eyes staring at a point on the ceiling.

“Mike.” Rich drew his brows together and Michael just snorted at the nickname.

“Yuck. No one calls me that.”

“Hm. I do now,” Rich hummed thoughtfully, climbing onto the bed to sit next to him. “Talk to me.”

With a sigh Michael turned onto his side, glancing at Rich before looking away. “I wore it on Halloween.”

“Oh.” There was a beat and Rich just cleared his throat, moving to grab the hem of the shirt, ready to take it off.

“Hey,” Michael sighed, reaching out a hand to keep Rich from taking it off. “I meant it. Looks good on you.”

“You alright?” 

With a nod Michael was beckoning him closer until their lips could meet for another kiss.

Small steps.

They were healing.

* * *

“Don’t wanna go to school,” Rich’s voice was partially muffled by the pillow he shoved his face into. To be fair, he had a long night. They were getting better but nightmares didn’t go away easily and Rich would probably still wake up gasping for air every once in a while.. But they were healing.

“Me either.” Michael yawned, stretching, as he stood at the side of the bed. He arched his back until there was an audible pop and Rich rolled over to stick his tongue out in mock disgust.

“Gross.” The expression on his face was a stark contrast to his words, eyes half lidded with a sleepy smile pulling on his lips. If he had to, Michael would describe the look as adoration. The thought made his cheeks heat up.

“You’re gross.”

Rich just let out a string of breathy laughs that made Michael tilt his head, looking down at him fondly.

“C’mon, we’re gonna be late.” Michael nudged the mattress with his hip and Rich groaned as he was jostled. “We can grab some Sev-Elev after school. Slushies on me.”

“Did you just say.. Sev. Elev.” Rich’s voice was still a little slurred with sleep and he sounded so outraged it wasn’t even a question. “I hate that.”

“Why don’t you kiss me about it?”

There was a snort of laughter as Rich pushed himself to sit up, closing his eyes and exaggeratedly puckering his lips. Michael just rolled his eyes and leaned down to give him a quick peck. 

“Okay, get up.” Before Michael moved to finish getting ready he ran his fingers through Rich’s hair, partially smoothing out his bedhead. 

“Fine.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Rich hauled himself out of bed, nearly tripping on the too long pant legs of Michael’s sweatpants. He barely caught himself before giving up and kicking them off in the middle of the room, leaving himself in his boxers. Rubbing at his eyes he moved to dig his clothes out of his backpack. Rich tugged on his jeans, hopping as he yanked them up over his thighs before buttoning them and reaching for his shirt. He left Michael’s long sleeve in the middle of the room, too, pulling his own shirt over his head as he moved towards the bathroom. Leaving the door open he brushed his teeth, watching Michael as he moved around the room, grabbing the laundry Rich left on his floor and throwing it towards an overfilled hamper.

It was all sickeningly domestic.

This really was a boy Rich could love.

“Ready yet?” 

Rich finished brushing his teeth, leaving his toothbrush on the counter - he’d be back to grab it after school. He paused in front of Michael’s dresser, realizing he’d forgotten socks and opted to  _ borrow  _ a pair.

“How many times did I remind you to bring socks?”

“Three!” Rich gave a crooked grin as he hopped on one foot to pull on the mismatched socks.

An outsider would have thought they’d been together much longer than they had.

“Whatever, we’re gonna be late.” Despite the dismissive word choice Michael was grinning at him, hooking his headphones around his neck and shouldering his backpack. He reached down and grabbed Rich’s bag, tossing it over. “Slowpoke.”

Rich couldn’t help but smile.

* * *

“Is.. this cool?” Rich cleared his throat but the sound was lost in the rabble of the lunchroom. He had inched his hand across the table until it was settled on top of Michael’s.

“Super cool.” Michael gave him an almost smug grin, turning his hand over to link their fingers, palms pressed together. 

“You’re super cool,” was all Rich managed to sputter out, squeezing Michael’s hand. They both looked at each other for a minute before collapsing into a fit of laughter. “We’re weird.”

“‘s cute though.” Michael propped his chin up on his free hand, tilting his head a bit as he looked at Rich.

“Never took you for the mushy, pda type, Mell.” Rich turned back to his lunch, but kept his hold on Michael’s hand. All he got in response at first was a short hum and he was worried he’d maybe overstepped somewhere.

“Yeah. ‘m picky, I guess.” He gave Rich’s hand a squeeze before brushing his thumb over the back of his hand. After a beat he mumbled something else that Rich barely caught, “you.. make me feel all soft, I guess.”

“Gay.” 

“Bi.”

It was definitely stupid but Rich breathed out another laugh before he poked at the overly sweet pears on his tray. 

“You sure you cool with this?” Michael was looking at him with arched brows and Rich blinked a few times as he shoved the piece of pear into his mouth. “Like.. this?”

Michael held onto his hand tighter and moved it around a bit on the table.

“Yeah?” Rich coughed a bit, nearly choking as he quickly swallowed his pear slice, not wanting Michael to draw any conclusions before he could talk. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Michael shrugged before letting his shoulders slump with a sigh. “People have been kind of looking.”

“Are  _ you  _ cool with this?”

“I.. yeah dude. I mean, I’m kinda all out there.” Michael gestured towards his rainbow patch with his free hand.

“Then we’re all good,” Rich’s tone left no room for argument and Michael’s lips twitched into a smile. It made Rich’s heart sink a bit, the thought that he’d be ashamed to be with Michael. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me going <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings; like.. bullying and slurs (no actual slurs written just implied) and implied/referenced child abuse (richs dad)

Being with Michael felt electric. Holding hands across the lunch table felt forbidden in the best way. Walking to class with linked pinkies felt like their own secret. 

Until it  _ wasn’t _ their own secret. Which, Rich was fine with. He’d told Michael that much. But Rich wasn’t the problem.

**michael ❤️🌈 (1:21 pm):** problem  
**michael ❤️🌈 (1:21 pm):** big problem  
**rich (1:22 pm):** ??  
**michael ❤️🌈 (1:23 pm):** may or may not be cornered into the single locking bathroom in the guys locker room  
**michael ❤️🌈 (1:23 pm):** ykno normally id say fuck it i mean ive gotten beaten up before or id wait it out  
**michael ❤️🌈 (1:23 pm):** but theres no more gym classes today and  
**michael ❤️🌈 (1:24 pm):** theres like 3 guys at least just waiting for me

Rich tucked his phone in his pocket and asked to go to the bathroom. At least they were just watching a movie (fall break was soon, no one wanted to really learn) so he could grab his backpack and slip through the dark towards the door. He clenched his fists, head down as he speed walked down the hall. All he could hope was that no one intercepted him. Maybe that was wrong. Maybe he should have been looking for a teacher, but he felt the heavy burden of responsibility pressing down on his chest. 

Michael didn’t get worked up over these things. Michael was good at ignoring these things. There was an air of nonchalance that made it almost impossible to bully him because he wouldn’t give the reaction you wanted. Rich knew this, obviously. He winced. That just meant this wall all the more serious. Serious enough that Michael was scared.

**rich (1:26 pm):** coming

* * *

Somewhere along the line Rich had heard that to be truly good at something, to master something, it took around 10,000 hours. Which is crazy. Well, he thought it was crazy. His brain fought with him and later his squip fought with him. Wasn’t talent a thing? He’d just hoped there was something out there that he had a knack for. 

10,000 hours was a long time.

Later, he’d googled it. The first result quantified it a bit more. 6-10 years. It took someone 6-10 years to get good at something. To get great at something.

Rich’s mom had died when he was 11. Or 10. Around then. That was 7 years ago. Or 8. That was enough time to get good at something.

Protecting himself. Rich got good at protecting himself.

Another time, when he was older, he heard someone explain the logic behind getting worse at something before you get better. You get worse because you’re good enough to notice the mistakes you were making. Then you learn to fix them. He’d gotten worse in middle school, he’d gotten worse at hiding bruises.

They moved. He moved schools.

Then he got better. He got better at hiding bruises and pain. Then he got great. There were less bruises to hide. It wasn’t that his dad got better, he got better. He was always getting better.

Rich knew how to protect himself. 

Maybe it was time to work on a new skill. He wouldn’t be starting from scratch at least - couldn’t his 7 or 8 years he’d accumulated go towards it somehow? Rich knew how to protect himself. Today he was going to protect someone else.

At least, he was going to try. 

And he had the whole five minute walk across the school to hype himself up. He took the back halls as he moved over towards the locker rooms, ducking his head as he passed classrooms. He held onto his backpack straps tightly, rounding corners just a bit too sharply. Sneakers squeaked on linoleum and as soon as he was in the hall with the entry to the locker rooms - it was suddenly a bit too real, he could hear the pounding of his heart and felt his mouth going dry. Steeling himself he shrugged off his bag, going through a mental checklist. He couldn’t give them anything extra to grab onto. Tossing his backpack into the recessed doorway of the (rarely used) room for wrestling practice he took a breath, trying to shake off any nerves as he patted himself down, racking his brain for a plan. Nothing on him was too dangly, his jeans weren’t tight enough to limit motion. Wiping his palms on his jeans he shook his head and headed into the locker room - moment of truth.

It was oddly silent as he slipped through the main doorway, looking around the corner into the room proper. At first all he saw were empty benches and closed lockers, he tried to keep his breathing even - he knew how to fight. Sure, he hadn’t been working out as frequently but he  _ had  _ the skill.

Pressing his back against the wall he inched forward a bit more, hearing a low voice echo somewhere deeper in the room. He couldn’t quite make it out and he wanted to strangle the  _ concept  _ of auditory processes issues because context was everything. Well, to be fair maybe it  _ didn’t  _ matter because Rich was ready to go in swinging either way. Careful of making any noise, he moved further. There was one locking bathroom towards the back of the locker room and Rich really didn’t know  _ why  _ Michael was there but it did make his chest feel a bit tight. The thought of his  _ boyfriend  _ being cornered and pushed into the locker room, looking for a place to hide-

Voices again.

“What? Waiting for your  _ boyfriend,  _ give it a fucking rest, tr-”

Nothing else really mattered after that. Normally a slur would make his blood run cold, would make his throat close up - this time it made his blood  _ boil.  _ He moved past the row of lockers and he could see  _ someone,  _ he didn’t even process their hair color or what they were wearing. He grabbed the top of their backpack and pulled, hard. He stuck out his foot at the same time, knocking his heel to the back of the guy’s calf, pulling him down onto the ground. By that time he was able to lift his gaze, now noting the other two people in the room who were also suddenly aware of  _ him.  _

One guy was leaning against the bathroom door, freezing where he was ready to pound on it again, closed fist. Another guy was shifting back and forth on his feet. The third was still behind him on the floor. There was no time to formulate a plan because they were still caught off guard and Rich needed to use that to his advantage. He got tunnel vision.

Gritting his teeth Rich moved forward, collecting a fistfull of the shirt of the one guy who was standing off to the side - he was closer. He pulled until the taller guy was more at his level, he was on autopilot, barely aware of his own fist as it came into his own field of view. There was a dull thud, a connection with the side of a jaw. Rich let him go, not stopping to watch him stumble backwards.

“Looks like you can hit well for a f-” The third guy was talking again, turning to face him instead of the locked door that hid Michael. There was something smug about his expression and Rich sniffed, gritting his teeth. He could barely hear anything over his own heartbeat as he was moving forwards, shoving the guy against the door. It rattled on its hinges. 

“We get it,” Rich snapped out, “you’ve got issues because mommy and daddy both cheat on each other, sorry high school basketball is gonna be your fucking peak-” Small town gossip was good for some things at least.

“Who’s got  _ ithueth,  _ you fucking f-”

“And you’ve got an expansive vocabulary, too,” it came out flat. Rich braced his hands on the guy’s shoulders before driving his knee upwards, he was a bit too short to hit his stomach but  _ oh well. _

Before he could hit him again he was pulled backwards by the back of his shirt, stumbling. He fell back onto the ground, catching himself on his palms, the impact making him wince slightly. Rich was rolling over, trying to get up, but his arms gave out as there was a kick to his stomach, making him slip a bit. In an effort to not get quickly overwhelmed he rolled away, trying not to think about how gross the floor was as he was pushing himself up to stand.  _ Never stay on the floor.  _ That would have been it.

Bouncing between his feet Rich shook his hands out. 3 on 1. Not the best odds, but he could get enough hits in to leave a mark. That’s all that mattered.

Mouths were moving, they were saying something to him. They were moving too - their mistake. As soon as the first one came into range Rich was swinging his fist, maximum damage, right to the nose. The guy almost seemed shocked, stumbling off to the side. Rich supposed he got a little too caught up in the victory because there was a hand on his upper arm and he was stumbling back, hitting the wall of lockers. He felt a sting on the back of his head but he was quickly distracted by his head getting turned to the side with a well timed hit to his jaw. Before he could even think he was spitting in one of the guys’ faces, striking out with a kick that connected hard against a thigh.

After a blink he found himself on the ground, ears ringing. At least he was used to getting hit in the head. 

Though, he wasn’t used to kicks to the stomach. Drawing in a sharp breath he scrambled to move backwards, letting out a stifled noise when there was another kick. Rich managed to get up to his knees, swaying as he tried to push himself up. Before he could get to his feet there was an arm around him, putting him into a headlock. The pressure wasn’t overwhelming but it was enough to make him gasp, clawing at the arm that was holding him. As he saw another one of them approaching he tried to strike out with his legs again, it was apparently futile as there was a quick punch to his stomach. Winded and being in a headlock weren’t really a good combination. Struggling and kicking, all he could hear was shoes squeaking against the ground. Maybe he was a good distraction.

The pressure increased and he gasped for air, trying to blink away the black on the edge of his vision. Everything was blurry but he could see a flash of red and one of the guys went down. Michael tackled someone?  _ Michael tackled someone. _

With the ground out of his field of vision, Rich wasn’t really aware of what was happening. All he knew were vague sounds of a scuffle, glasses clattering over tile. His own gasps sounded too loud until he heard a shout that he swore he felt rattling in his fucking  _ teeth.  _ Almost immediately the arm around him disappeared and Rich dropped to the ground, knees stinging from the harsh contact. 

Shoes on the ground. Shuffling of backpacks. There was a hand on his shoulder and Rich was scrambling backwards, bringing a hand up to his own throat as he drew in shaky breaths. As his vision cleared a bit he saw Jeremy crouched in front of him, panic obvious on his face, his mouth was moving but Rich couldn’t take any of it in. All he could do was try to calm his breathing, practically collapsing, resting his head on Jeremy’s shoulder.

* * *

“Why didn’t you get a teacher?” 

Rich jerked his head up, adjusting his hold on the ice pack against the back of his head.

“Huh?”

“Why.. didn’t you get a teacher?” Michael repeated himself, holding his own ice pack to a black eye, his other hand holding onto glasses with one lens popped out. His face was creased in concern, he worried his lip between his teeth. After a second he tucked the frames into his hoodie pocket.

“I.. don’t know.” Rich scrunched up his nose, wincing when the movement hurt the side of his face. He adjusted the ice pack to press against his cheek now. “I just.. I don’t know. I was.. sorry. Sorry. You got hurt because..”

_ Because I wanted to play the hero. _

Michael’s hand was warm against his own as he settled his palm over the back of Rich’s free hand. There was a moment of silence between them, all they could hear was the bustle of the school office around them. 

“Dude, shut up,” Michael mumbled, moving to slip his hand under Rich’s to link their fingers. “Maybe you were a little dumb..” A pause, a quiet, breathy laugh, “but.. you came to, like, save me dude. I mean, first of all, that’s hot.”

Rich shook his head and snorted out a quiet laugh.

“Secondly.. I.. it’s kinda sweet in a dumb way. Your first thought was to just.. come save me. I just.. you worried me. I didn’t want you to get hurt either.”

“After everything I did,” Rich was speaking quickly, almost choking on his words, “it was the least I could do. I mean.. I never said shit like they did or.. beat you up but.. I did some shitty stuff the least I could do was.. I dunno. Defend you. I was just so mad, like, fuck! They outnumbered you and cornered you and I was so.. mad. And you got hurt anyways.”

“Rich,” Michael was squeezing his hand, leaning a bit closer so he didn’t have to squint as much to combat his blurry vision, “with all due respect. Shut the fuck up. You were there for me when I needed it.  _ That’s _ what matters.”

Rich felt his throat go tight again.. but this time it was with a flood of fondness. He shifted the ice pack to press it against the back of his head, he snorted out another laugh, unable to keep the smile off his face. 

“Plus, like I said. Kinda hot that you’d fight three guys for me.”

Rolling his eyes Rich turned his head, pressing a chaste peck to Michael’s lips.

“I’m just glad we’re not getting detention, dude.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your kudos and comments mean the world <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just,, a sweet end for some sweet boys,, love them

**brookie (3:22 pm):** hey!! are you coming to the nye party?  
**rich (3:26 pm):** eugh  
**rich (3:26 pm):** party  
**brookie (3:27 pm):** rich  
**brookie (3:28 pm):** youre better now and michael will come if you do  
**brookie (3:28 pm):** everyone wants you guys to come!  
**rich (3:30 pm):** yeah  
**brookie (3:31 pm):** for me??  
**rich (3:32 pm):** eughhhhh  
**rich (3:33 pm):** fine fine  
**brookie (3:34 pm):** thank god i didnt want to be the only couple there  
**brookie (3:34 pm):** everyones nice but  
**rich (3:35 pm):** yeah  
**rich (3:35 pm):** findin ur soulmate young is weird  
**brookie (3:36 pm):** lucky us though :’~)  
**rich (3:36 pm):** yea  
**brookie (3:37 pm):** you guys are like almost 4 months now right?  
**rich (3:38 pm):** yea cant believe first semester is over cant believe the YEARS over  
**brookie (3:39 pm):** ugh!! dont remind me  
**brookie (3:40 pm):** not looking forward to ap tests this spring  
**rich (3:41 pm):** ew smart ppl  
**rich (3:41 pm):** :p

* * *

“You gonna be good?” Michael didn’t look away from his phone as he scrolled through various social media feeds, head resting in Rich’s lap.

“Mhm,” Rich kept his gaze onto his own phone. It was.. comfortable. Rich was trying to get used to that. “I’ve.. kinda been avoiding everyone anyways.. y’know. It’ll probably be good to, like.. be around everyone?”

“Yeah, we’ve kinda been in our own little world, huh?”

There was an opportunity for Rich to offer up something sappy but it still had only been a few months and it wasn’t really territory he understood how to navigate. Instead he just reached down to poke at Michael’s forehead. “Weird few months.”

“Yeah,” Michael mumbled, finally turning his gaze up to look at Rich. His eyelids drooped a bit and he couldn’t help the smile over his face. Rich caught his gaze and pulled a crooked grin, moving to brush Michael’s hair away from his forehead.

“You need a haircut,” he mumbled, moving to run fingers through Michael’s hair. He watched his eyes flutter shut at the touch, feeling his chest get tight from affection.

“But if I get my hair cut how’re you gonna do this?”

“Dumb,” Rich snorted out a little laugh, twiring some of Michael’s hair around his fingers.

“This is nice.”

“Mhm?”

Michael’s eyes fluttered open again and he set his phone face down on his chest. After a moment he reached up to brush a hand across Rich’s face, briefly cupping his cheek. “We’re so fucking gay.”

“Shit. Did I forget to say no homo?”

“Yup,” Michael said, shifting around so he could strain up to press a quick peck to Rich’s lips before adjusting to sit next to him.

Rich couldn’t help but wonder what he did to deserve the universe giving him Michael Mell.

* * *

“Happy New Year!” Rich breathed out a laugh against Michael’s lips as he heard Jake’s shout from across the room. He nearly dropped his plastic cup of sparkling cider as he got a few aggressive, yet congratulatory, pats on the back and heard a wolf whistle. Considering he was in the middle of kissing his boyfriend he couldn’t tell where it came from, but his money was on Jenna. Michael tasted like cheap champagne and cherry lip balm.

“Get a room!” Chloe’s voice reached his ears and he raised a middle finger up as he leaned further against Michael, humming as he felt hands settle on his hips. After a moment longer he finally pulled back, nearly melting under the soft look Michael gave him.

“What?” He half whispered as he looked up at his boyfriend, easily drowned out by the rabble around them.

“You’re.. just pretty,” Michael mumbled, pressing a kiss against his hair before finishing the rest of his champagne.

“Shut up,” Rich mumbled, butting his head against his shoulder before sipping at his sparkling cider. “You’re hot.”

“Wanna kiss about it?”

They both fell into a fit of giggles against each other’s lips as Rich leaned up to give him a quick peck. Maybe it was a bit cliche but.. everything just sort of fell away from around them. When Michael was looking down at him like that he felt.. good. It was hard to keep back his guilt at preventing this all for so long because he was happy _now_ \- and that was what mattered.

* * *

“Fuck!” Jeremy collapsed back, slumping against Michael’s couch before dropping his controller. “You guys always team up on me!”

“Just get better,” Brooke interjected, tapping away at the buttons of her own controller, lifting her arms a bit so Jeremy could shift his legs to rest over her lap. The sounds of Super Smash Bros continued on without him.

“You literally lost two of your lives from walking off the map - not our fault.” Rich didn’t bother looking over, leaning back against Michael’s chest as he focused on the screen. 

“You’ve avoided hitting Michael the whole time!” Jeremy’s tone was accusing but a smile crossed his face.

“Maybe so,” Rich offered up, “not for long, though.”

“Babe, I’ll kick your ass.”

Brooke let out a breathy laugh, moving her character to the corner of the stage as Michael and Rich both directed their attention to each other. Their characters slipped into idle animations, a stand off.

“Babe,” Rich parroted, inching his character forward, “what if we kissed in Super Smash.. and we’re both boys..”

“Dude,” Michael responded in mock awe, moving his own character until the models were pressed next to each other.

“Is it a hate crime if I kick you off the map? I wanna win,” Brooke added in, moving her character towards the other two.

Rich made a noncommittal hum while Michael held up a hand to give a wobbly gesture. They both let out quiet snickers as Rich snuggled back further against Michael’s chest. Brooke just rolled her eyes and waited until they moved their characters apart, they all spaced out before getting back into the fight. They might as well all play fair now that Jeremy was knocked out - not that they ever teamed up to sabotage him. Of course not.

“Oh my god, you two are too sweet,” Brooke cooed teasingly, reaching out with her foot to bump Michael’s shoulder where he was sitting on the floor.

“It’s all about the enemies to lovers,” Rich chimed in, not taking his eyes off the screen as he dodged around Michael’s character. 

“Oh my god, they were soulmates,” Michael mumbled, leaning to settle his chin on Rich’s shoulder as he played.

“Someone just win already!” Jeremy threw his hands up in mock exasperation while Brooke broke into laughter and Rich and Michael quickly joined in. 

* * *

“Hey uh.. thanks.” Rich rolled over where they were just laying on Michael’s bed to face him, brows furrowing. “For today.”

“Well, yeah,” Michael quirked a brow, pulling a dopey smile. “You’re my boyfriend, I want you to have a good birthday.”

“Just.. thanks,” Rich mumbled, shifting until he could tangle their legs together. “I haven’t had like.. an actual birthday party in.. I don’t even know.”

“Which is exactly why I gave you one.”

“Sap,” it came out as a mumble and Rich moved to press his face against Michael’s shoulder.

“We’re literally destined to be together, dude. That’s sappier than anything else.” Michael shifted around so he could drape an arm over Rich’s waist, reaching to absentmindedly rub fingertips over his back.

“Mm, I guess so.”

They eventually trailed off into silence. The only noise that broke the quiet was the rumble of Michael’s box fan that was struggling to chase off the heat that seeped into the house from outside. It was only early spring but it was one of _those_ days, uncomfortably warm and slightly humid. Honestly, Rich’s least favorite days. Too much heat made his scarring feel uncomfortable. The quiet between them, on the other hand, was perfectly comfortable. Nearly seven months behind them and plenty of hours spent together did a lot more to put them at ease with each other than the broad idea of them just being destined for each other. All their time together was a little more quantifiable.

“Can’t believe.. like two months until we graduate.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Rich sighed, deflating a bit.

“Hm?” Michael pressed his face against Rich’s hair, letting his eyes fall shut. “Thought you were happy to be getting out?”

“Well yeah but.. y’know.”

“Dude, babe,” Michael mumbled in a mock serious tone which easily had Rich letting out breathy laughs. After a moment he let his tone fall back into something a little more serious.. yet soft. “There’s nothing wrong with a gap year.”

“I know.”

“I’m proud of you.”

Rich felt his throat get tight, burrowing closer to Michael he bit his lip.

“Seriously,” Michael continued, “you already know where you’re gonna work this summer. You’re gonna pass math. You don’t have to go to college anyways if you don’t want.”

“Thanks.” Rich shifted back so that he could look up at Michael’s face, unable to keep himself from smiling. Since when did he smile so much? Being in control of his own head had him rediscovering a lot of things about himself that had been long buried. “Really.”

* * *

“You’re so fucking cute, oh my god,” Michael was talking as soon as he managed to spot Rich outside the school gym, slipping around people to grab his boyfriend in a hug and lift him up. Rich snorted in laughter, reaching up with one hand to keep his graduation cap from falling off.

“Jeez dude,” Rich stumbled a bit as Michael finally set him down, “warn a guy!”

“Alright, heads up,” Michael spoke quickly before leaning over to press a quick peck to his lips. “But seriously, that gown swamps you, it’s cute.”

“C’mon,” Rich rolled his eyes, reaching out to grab Michael’s hand, “we gotta find everyone for pictures.”

“I.. one sec,” Michael held tight to his hand, keeping him in place while he tried to pull them off to look for their friends.

“What’s up?” Rich’s brow furrowed in confusion - he tried to keep the anxiety in his chest from boiling over. 

“I just..” Michael looked around for a second before pulling Rich off to the side of the school’s large entryway, leaning against the wall of the hallway. He seemed fidgety and it had Rich on edge. His mind couldn’t help but draw the worst conclusions, he could almost hear his squip’s voice again, berating him for how he did everything wrong. “I was looking at you up there, graduating, y’know?”

After a beat of hesitation Rich nodded, struggling to keep up their eye contact.

“Just.. couldn’t help but.. I’m proud of you. Really proud of you.”

“You already told me that,” it came out in a huff but with a poorly masked smile. A soft flush settled on Rich’s cheek and he let his gaze flit away.

“I’m not done!” With a snort of laughter Michael reached out with his foot to nudge against Rich’s shoe. “I.. just was, like, watching you up there and I couldn’t help but think about.. how I, uh, I.. Fuck.”

A nervous laugh. Michael rubbed at the back of his neck, averting his own eye contact now. Shifting a step closer he lowered his voice a bit, tone warm, “I just.. love you.”

“Oh shut up,” Rich snorted a bit, pointedly looking anywhere but Michael, though tears pricked in the corner of his eyes. When Michael moved a hand to cup his cheek Rich couldn’t help but lean into it. “I love you too. A lot. And.. not just ‘cause the soulmate shit. I really, really do.”

The response he got was a soft kiss and that was enough for him. He looped his arms up around Michael’s neck as they broke apart, foreheads touching.

“I mean, I hoped so.” Michael flashed a wide grin, bumping his nose against Rich’s.

“Just kiss me again.”

There was no reason to not indulge him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3
> 
> hope yall enjoyed this sad to see it go after updating for a while but im on to more wips and projects <3


End file.
